My Golden Rule
by Guesswhat
Summary: A season 12 story from Abby’s point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring? Final chapter: And then he opens his mouth, and I hear the words one by one rolling over his lips...
1. This Serene View

_**A/N:** I read some season 12 spoilers considering Abby and made up this story. I hope that it won't be more than 5, maybe 6 chapters.  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About interns, lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and Luka. It's not easy when you never learned to express your love.  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, I'm sorry for any mistakes... I do the best I can._

_**Extra:** I'm soooo blind and stupid! Thanks to _anonymous01 I noticed that I set this story in 2006 instead of December 2005. I felt like I had to change that. And, again thanks to anonymous01, I wrote vane instead of vein. Further I corrected some alinea stuff. Next chapter will be up soon I hope!  
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**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 1 – This Serene View_

**Monday, 12 December 2005 – 14:00**

Geez, Haleh is _freaking_ me out, pretending like she's _just_ the nurse who assists me. I know better, she's just checking out how worse I'm doing. I mean, what the hell? I thought we used to be colleagues. Used to be.  
Crossed over to the dark side? Yeah, that is how I feel right now.  
Mr. Derek The Intern is screwing everything up._  
I_ actually had to teach him how to take a history. 'That's how Carter started,' was all Susan said after hearing my complaint. Well, it took Carter twelve years to come where he's now and Derek doesn't seem like a next Dr. Carter to me. _Men_, what is he doing now?  
Huge scream from Ms. My patient, I don't even know her name. Eugh, this day sucks.

"Dr. Lockhart," Haleh sounds punishing and gives me this...I-have-more-experience look. Like I have no experience. I'm just not a born to be teacher. She knows that. Besides, it's far too crowded in here to teach.   
Clear the board, clear the board... Frowning I look at my young pupil who's really failing in everything. If it's even possible Haleh's eyes grow even wider and stare at me. Okay, let's see what I can do.

I bend over to check my patient arm out and see what she's talking about. He didn't even hit one vein after all those attempts.

"Eh, Dr. Lockhart, what is Derek doing wrong?" Haleh asks very, very hypocritical.

I don't think I've ever looked this pissed at her, is she enjoying this or what?

"Derek is not doing anything wrong. You're doing great Derek, I'm supporting you," I say sneering. Never knew I could be such a bitch. Well, somewhere I knew it... whatever. One confused Derek and one furious Haleh look at me.

"You know it better, don't you?" Derek says irritated, a new side of him that I hadn't got to know yet.

I just shrug and take over the syringe. There it is, one big nice vein, done. "Okay, Ms..."

"Johnson," Haleh says from behind me.

"...Johnson...We're done." She just frowns at me, and she has all right to considering that her whole arm is red stippled now. I'm surprised how silent she has been all the time, great woman. "Thank you," I mimic to her with my sweet doctor attitude and she smiles at me while Haleh rolls her eyes.

"See," I say softly and finish the chart.

"Abby! We need you, _now_!" Chuny shouts at me out of trauma 2.

"_What_ is it?" I spit at her while I fiery turn my head towards her. A sharp pain shoots through my neck, that was too fiery.

"Twenty year-old boy, needs a chest tube!" Chuny answers smiling like it's a blessing to chest tube someone.

"Can't some else do it?" I ask, now massaging my neck with a painful look on my face.

"I don't mind!"  
Uh-oh. That was Derek. That was my good friend Derek. Derek who screws everything up, Derek who can't start an IV. I blink very slowly in his direction and he just shrugs. Hypocritical. Everyone around here is hypocritical. Acting like they all want to best for me.

"Okay, yeah, I'll be right there!" I answer Chuny and act like I'm still working on Johnson's chart.

"NOW Abby!" Ah, great, that was Susan from the same trauma room. What a day...

"Jesus! okay." Irritated I follow my enthusiastic little pupil and enter the trauma room.

"How is he doing?" I ask semi-interested while I wrap my hands in those nice yellow gloves.

"Bad. Okay, eh, Derek, ever done a trauma?" Susan, or with Derek around, Dr. Lewis asks him nicely while I check the patients name. Bob. Poor Bob...

"Not one like this!" I hear him react enthusiastically and he immediately starts with glove one. Okay, this will take a while.

"Good, Dr. Lockhart will guide you through it, won't she?"  
O. My. God. Susan is just as hypocritical as _everyone_ else in this ER. I hate my work. At least, today.

"Okay, sterilise the skin...," I sigh completely worn-out, making sure Susan will understand the mood I'm in.

"...make a small incisi-...," This is going wrong. Even Susan can see that.

"No! Geez, no, let me do it!" Pissed I take over and remove his hands from poor Bob.

"Don't worry Derek, you'll get another chance," Susan tells him reassuring while she tries to stop the bleeding.

"Hand me the tube...," I command Derek with raised eyebrows. "The _tube_ Derek...," I repeat impatient. Thank you. Now, gently slide it- _careful!"_

Well, who would have ever thought that he would do it. There, a chest tube. Susan could have done that by herself but probably she wanted to teach me a lesson. What a friend.  
Pissed I put off my gloves and look at Susan.

"Dr. Lockhart, could I speak to you outside please?"

I storm out the trauma room with Susan behind me.

"What's wrong with you and your intern!" Susan asks me as soon as the doors close behind us.

Wrong? Everything is wrong. He looks wrong, behaves wrong...  
"Susan...," I start blaming.

"You know, I realise that he isn't the easiest intern that you've had so far, but you really should give him a chance Abby..."

A chance? What does she think that I've been doing for the past two weeks?

"You don't wanna know how many chances I gave this man, and he's not picking it up Susan. He's _not_! He really. is. not."

"He seems motivated," she says and smiles wryly.

Motivated my ass, is what I want to tell her but I feel more colleague than friend now so just forget about that last part. "Let Pratt take him, he can handle Derek."

"Abby, I wish I could but that's why Derek is _your_ intern. Pratt can do this already, you just can't...Well, I mean, not yet."

Oh, that was sweet. That 'not yet' thing mumbled at the end. Great. Nice.

"I went to med school to be a doctor, to help patients. And I help the patients Susan. I do. I give them my best care but all I get is Haleh to check out how I'm doing with a _messed up intern!_" I lisp to her.

"That's a part of your job, that's what we do in this hospital! What we all did and do here." She seems pretty pissed off now too.

"Well, than maybe I shouldn't be working here," I say a little too loud and head to the lounge. Screw Susan, screw this damn hospital.

------------------------------

"Hey hey, careful!" Luka laughs when I enter the lounge and bump into him.

"O God, I'm sorry...," I mumble and look at our clothes, spotted with brown coffee stains.

"Don't worry, it's okay," he answers and puts his cup on the table. "Are you?" he asks.

"What?" I answer not understanding while I open my locker and put away my lab coat.

"Are you okay?"

Ah, I get it. "How do I look?" I ask him and turn around.

"Honestly?" He asks me with a difficult smirk on his face, I nod in response.

"Pretty...stressed. Don't get me wrong."

Ha. How could I get him wrong? "Thank you," I smile back and sit down in front of him.

"Rough day huh?" He asks and points with his head to the pictured postcard in front of me. O God, I kinda forgot about that. I mean, not really, it was my primary reason to be pissed off today, but I didn't realise the card was still... around.

"Yeah...," I smile uncomfortable and take the card in my hands. The sides are already a bit torn, caused by all the hands that touched it today. It's his very optimistic way of writing that turns my stomach. And then not write my name on the card. Subtle Jake, very subtle.

"So, how are you and Sam?" I ask refreshing.

Luka doesn't answer and frowns a little. Ow, probably brought up a sore subject.

"Sam moved out," he states and takes a sip from, what's left of it, his coffee.

"God, I'm sorry Luka," I tell him and put the card down again.

"She needed some space. We both do. It's only a little..."

"You'll be alright," I answer for him.

"You too," he says friendly.

Softly shaking my head I rub in my eyes. "I'm fine. It's just unbelievable that Derek studied medicine, don't you think?" I ask ironically and stand up again.

"He's just not used to the real work yet," he shrugs and rinses his cup.

"I know..."

"Don't worry about him, he'll be gone soon, and he really is beginning to get the hang of it," Luka answers and places his hand on my shoulder. "You're a great doctor, don't ever doubt that." He hugs me and suddenly I realise how much I've missed him as a friend, Luka is a good guy.

I don't know what to answer so I just give him a silly smile what makes him smile very goofy to me. "See you around," he giggles and then I'm alone.

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Three hours of trying to avoid Susan later I'm bumping into her in the ladies room. I do my very best to ignore her but when we come out the toilet at the same time and wash our hands I realise that I can't keep doing this.

"Look Susan...I'm sorry," I start while I dry my hands.

"Don't worry about it, I know Derek isn't easy."

"Eugh, could we please talk about a different subject?" I moan jokingly.

"Sure, I had to tell you sometime." Suddenly Susan's always laughing face changes into a kinda dark, sad look.

"Tell me what?" I ask a little worried while we walk out of the ladies room.

"I'm leaving County," she frowns at me.

What? I stop walking immediately and close my eyes for a moment, trying to think. "You're... Leaving where?" I ask stunned.

"Wisconsin."

"Wisconsin?" I repeat surprised.

"Yeah...Chuck has some family there, it's a great house. And a brandnew hospital, we'll get better paid, and we really need it with Cosmo and everything," she puts her hands in the pockets of her lab coat and frowns again.

"What about tenure?" I ask while I put my hair together with an elastic.

She shakes her head. "I'm done with County."

My eyes grow wide. "Done with County? When did that happen?"

"Look, we haven't really talked for a long time, and well... This is not where I want to be. Not anymore. Mark is gone, Carter is gone... I'm ready for something new."

Pouting I look at her, realising that I'll miss her. Really miss her. As colleagues things have been tough, but as friends...

"I'll miss you Abs," she grins when she sees me pouting.

"I bet!" I laugh although I don't really feel like laughing. Susan is going to leave, just like everyone else did.

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Jake's card is laying on my nighttable. I don't know why I took it with me but it's now here anyway. 'Hello ER of County General,' what a beginning. I know I hurt him but this was humiliating. Everyone noticed that my name wasn't there, everyone did. It's a good thing that I'm off tomorrow; it's already 2:30.  
I sit up and stare out my window.  
It started snowing this morning, but then I didn't realise how beautiful snow can actually be.  
Now there are no people walking anymore, now the cars are all parked, the snow has had her chance to cover the whole city.  
The whole city but me. I can only wish that it would have covered me as well so I would be a part of this serene view. But I'm not and I don't expect that I will be one day.  
I'm still, or maybe again, all by myself. And I thought that everything would be all right if I would just be a doctor, that I would be happy then. Like it would heal everything.  
And maybe in one way it did; I became what I always wanted to be. Almost.  
I seriously think that I'm getting to the point what all the people I know call 'happy'.  
Yes, I'm getting there, but still it's not what I had in mind. I'm alone.  
After all those years, after all those attempts, I'm again on my own.  
And today I felt how much I yearn for love.  
He hugged me, and suddenly I felt again how it feels to have someone who cares for me, who tells me that I'm doing okay.  
But Luka is a closed chapter, I know that and besides, I don't even want to think about Luka. I just want to... love _someone_. But unfortunately I've never been good at that. Or at least, at the way of expressing that particular love.

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**Thank you for reading.**

_(Preview for chapter 2: Susan throws a goodbye-party. Finally Abby has time to talk with Susan, their conversation brings up a sore subject. At the end of the evening, Abby and Luka talk as well...) _

**So, what do you think? I have another four or five chapters planned. Please leave a review! **


	2. Mutual Attraction

**A/N:** I read some season 12 spoilers considering Abby and made up this story. I hope that it won't be more than 5, maybe 6 chapters.  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else. (Oh, and I _wish_ I did...A trip to the studio's would satisfy me as well though)  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About interns, lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and Luka. It's not easy when you never learned to express your love.  
**Warning:**English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers: **For this story I used the following spoilers - Sam moves out - Luka and Abby spend more time together - Haleh evaluates Abby, this are spoilers up to 12x08.  
**Extra:** So, as anonymous01 told me, I set the story in 2006, but yeah, that had to be 2005, so I changed that!

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**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 2 - Mutual Attraction  
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**Wednesday, 14 December 2005 – 19:00**

Okay, so snow isn't that beautiful, serene, and definitely not white. Actually it's black, dirty, muddy and soaking my socks.  
Letting out a deep shivering breath I pull my hat further over my head and burry my face deeper in my soft blue scarf.  
With clenched fists in my pockets – gloves are not doing anything in this weather – I continue walking over the icy streets, heading to Susan's place.

I still can't believe that she's really leaving. Susan leaving County? That's like Frank going on a diet. I smile from my own pretty brilliant comparison and feel my scarf getting a little damp from my hot breath.

Ten minutes later I walk up the steps to Susan's front door and ring the ice-cold doorbell. At the other side of the door, someone switches on the light of the hallway and stares through the small window of the front door.

"It's Abby!" I hear Susan when she unlocks the door for me.

"Heeeey! Come in! O God, you're frozen! Are you alright?" Susan laughs worried and lets me in.

I just lift my hand up to give her a hello and move my scarf from my mouth. "Snow."

"What? Ah well, you must be starving! Chuny is here, Chuck is like _really _popular, Luka arrived just before you, oh, and Haleh is here as well, I hope you don't mind...," she finishes with a difficult smirk on her face.

Laughing I shake the snow out of my hair and try to shape it back to normal.  
"Do you have something like...food?" I ask very to the point but hell I'm hungry.

"O...no, I'm sorry. No, we don't... We don't," Susan shakes her head seriously.

What? No food? My God... I haven't eaten since breakfast because I... Wait. Ha. Joke.  
I give her an evil smile and follow her to the living room.

"Abby is here! Watch out, she says she's hungry," Susan laughs and picks Cosmo up from the ground.  
I get a loud 'heey!' back from everyone and look at the little boy in Susan's arms. I caress his soft hair and look into his big eyes.

"Hi Cosmo!" I tickle his nose and before I realize what Susan is doing I'm holding the one year old.

"Just make sure he won't burp on you," Susan smiles triumphant. "Oh, help yourself!" She disappears in the hallway again to open the door for the next guest.

"Ah, found your new friend already?" I turn around and look straight in the eyes of Luka. My mouth falls open but I manage to control myself.

"I guess...," I smile and lift Cosmo a bit more comfortable in my arms. "Where's Sam?" I continue our little conversation.

"Sam...isn't coming," he mumbles and takes a sip from his wine.

I just nod and let Cosmo play with my hair.

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"Honey, take care of yourself, and let us hear from you soon!" Haleh says to Susan when she gives her a last goodbye hug.

"Oh, we will!" Susan answers smiling and shows her the door.

"Does anyone want eh, some more of this?" Jerry asks us, pointing to the chocolate pudding. I shake my head, disgusted by the fact that he is able to eat even more than he already did. Gratefully he grabs the bowl with two hands and starts to eat what's left over.

I let out a deep sigh and look at Chuny, who seems more than satisfied as well. Luka looks just very tired and sips slowly from his red wine, probably not planning to do something active either.  
Chuny is polite enough to help Chuck with the dishes, but I just stare at the person in front of me.

Luka, who has the best excuse for not doing anything; Cosmo is sleeping on his lap, completely worn-out after the busy evening.  
Chuck kept giving him around, showing everybody that he was able to say 'mommy,' 'daddy', and if you listened very well, with a huge amount of fantasy, Cosmo could even say something like 'helicopter.'  
Not that I heard it, I still think he said 'hello', but hell, it made Chuck very happy so we all said 'yeeh,' with or best baby voice and after that we all got the opportunity to hold his little miracle.

I chuckle at the thought and look up from Cosmo to the person who is holding him; Luka.  
Not that you can really call it 'holding' anymore. Luka is sitting sprawled on his chair, I can actually feel his feet, and Cosmo is lying in almost the same position.  
A soft smile creeps on his face when he notices me staring at him. I can't do anything else than smile that stupid, goofy smile back.

He seems to enjoy having Cosmo around. They look sweet together; Cosmo's little hand wrapped around his finger, his head against his arm.  
I'm really getting softhearted by that view and I feel like I could drown in his eyes any minute and that is really not how I was planning to feel. An uncomfortable, almost tickling, feeling creeps down my stomach.  
I know that feeling, I know that feeling too well.

Luckily Susan frees me from my uncomfortable situation with the announcement that Cosmo should go sleep upstairs.  
Luka hands him to her and immediately I realize that when Susan is upstairs, when Chuny and Chuck are doing the dishes and when Jerry is in the bathroom, Luka and I will be alone, and something tells me that I don't want to be alone with him here, I don't want to talk.

"Oh, wait, I haven't been upstairs for a while, let's see where Cosmo has his bed."

She knows just as well as I do that there's nothing special about 'upstairs,' but she seems to get the idea and willingly follows me when I leave the room.

"What was that about?" Susan asks when we walk up the stairs. Not knowing if I should tell her my problem or not, I don't answer and hold the door of Cosmo's little room for her.

"Abby...You've been looking at him the entire evening. What's up?"  
I didn't look at him all night. I tried not to... maybe I did. Apparently.

"I don't think there's something going on Susan," I state and take Cosmo over from Susan.

"Yeah right! Come on Abby, Sam moved out, Luka is alone, you're alone, you guys have been going out for a year, Carter went to Africa."

"Carter has nothing to do with this," I say nettled and put Cosmo down on the commode.

"No?"

"No."

"I think he does. You changed since he left, I mean, not bad but, O, I don't know... never mind."

"That wasn't about Carter."

"About Jake then?" Susan says, holding her head a little skew when she looks at me.

"No, not about anyone."

"Okay, so why didn't you stay downstairs?"

"Look, Susan, I don't want to talk about it, it's nothing, really."

"Don't do anything stupid," she says and hands me Cosmo while she disappears to the bathroom.

What does she mean with stupid? I'm not planning on anything; she's the one that came up with... with Luka. O God, what am I thinking...  
Cosmo fell asleep and is now resting his head on my shoulder. It feels nice, comforting; having the chubby body against my chest, and I even feel a little disappointed when Susan comes in again, and she notices.

"Would you like to change him and put him in bed?" She asks serious but I really wonder if she's joking. I don't know what to answer; I do like her offer but that would be weird.

"Eh, well..."

"You won't be able to see him for a while, he likes you, I have things to do downstairs and I know you like him."

I know that I'm blushing, this is so not supposed to happen. Not with me.  
"Ah, sure...," I mumble and softly lift him up a little.

"Okay," she smiles and kisses his little head. "Mommy goes to her friends okay? And Abby will take good care of you," she whispers in his ear and leaves the room.

Like I'm supposed to do I change him as gentle as possible in his pyjama's, but it's not really working because he wakes up when I put the little shirt over his head. Luckily he stays silent and starts to play with the little bear besides him. When he's ready to go to bed I lift him up and put him in bed.

"Mommy...," he mumbles and starts to whine a little.

"Shh," I try but it doesn't help at all. God, I don't want Susan to hear that I made her baby cry...  
Careful I take him out of his bed again and sit down in the rocking chair.

"Shh, you should go to sleep Cosmo, tomorrow is a big day and your mommy really needs her rest," I mumble but apparently he has other plans.

He just looks at me, straight in my eyes. I smile and play with his little hands. He giggles and then it happens, a little smile creeps on his face. His eyes twinkle while I caress his soft chubby cheek I'm not supposed to do this, I tell myself. It's not my baby...  
Another, almost goofy, smile. A smile for me.  
All of a sudden I feel a tear running down my cheek and before I know what's happening I'm crying.  
I know why I'm crying, it's not just the frustration from the past couple of days that comes out, it's not just the sweet smile, it's this.

It's what I'm doing now, what I never did and never will do. And this could have been me; this could have been me with my own son, or with my own daughter. But it's not. It's since the lost of Carter's son that it's coming back.  
The moment, the decision, the sound, the room...  
I know why I did it, and it was the best, it really was the best, but I could have handled it, I could have... worked it out. I couldn't do it back then, but now I have everything under control. It could have worked. It would have.

And nobody knows, it's one of the few deep secrets that not even Susan nor John knows about.

I did it as an OB nurse, the punishing, to realize what I had done, to maybe get over it. But of course, I never got over it. What was I thinking? That after seeing thousands and thousands of babies with happy parents, I would realize that I did a good thing, that I couldn't be one of those mothers? I'm not a mother.

I helped other mothers, just as I'm doing right now. But here it's different, this is my best friends son. And I understand why she is leaving, to give Cosmo everything he needs; it's not all about work. It's not all about being a good attending, about delivering good interns. And I've known that for a long time, but I always managed to push it away.

Cosmo is calming down and seems to be asleep again, but it's too much to ask to stand up, so I stay in the chair, with a sleeping baby in my arms.

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I open my eyes when there's a weight lift from my arms. God, I must have fallen asleep... I blink to get used to the light and see Susan's back in front of me, putting little Cosmo in his crib.

"Heey," she whispers when she turns around again. "I guess you fell asleep," she smiles and turns off the light.

"O God, I'm sorry," I mumble and hear my voice crack.

"Don't worry, it's okay. There are still some people downstairs, you did miss Jerry's hula performance..."

"Oh really?" I manage to smile but then feel that my cheeks are still wet and I cough to get rid of the thick feeling in my throat.

I stand up and leave the room with Susan, but when we're in the bright light of the hallway again, she notices my face.

"Hey, you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I laugh uncomfortable and rub my cheeks. "Just tired."

"Want me to give you a minute?"

"No, it's okay."

"It's not. People ask questions when you come downstairs like that..."

Letting out a deep sigh I give in and follow her to the bathroom where I let the cold water run over my cheeks. When I look in the mirror, the red is mostly gone but I still look... weird.  
Susan waits for me in her bedroom with a towel, and when I dried my face she pats on the bed to make me sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she starts and looks at me.

"What? Why I cried?"

"No, why you didn't touch the tuna salad," she rolls her eyes.

I let out a short laugh and look at her. "I sat there, and... well, he smiled," I laugh, knowing how ridicilous this must sound, and swallow. "I just... I didn't expect him to do that. To me."

"Well, he smiles all the time. So why wouldn't he smile at you?"

"Because I'm not supposed to,-" I don't finish my sentence.

I don't want to get into this, and considering Susan's look, she already knows what I meant.

"Of course you are, why wouldn't you be? You would make a great mother," she rubs my back and smiles.

"MILF you mean," I say, hoping to change the subject.

"Oh sure," she laughs before she continues.

"You are one of the sweetest people I know Abby, you don't only care about patients, you care about their family, about their kids, there's really no reason for you to even think that you're not supposed to care, or that you're not supposed to be a mother."

I let out a shaky breath and close my eyes to hold back the tears. "But I wasn't..."

"What?" Susan asks confused.

O God, did I say that out loud? O hell... "I couldn't do it."

"Do what?"

"Have a baby," I mumble, not even daring to look at her.

"O God Abby...did you..."

"Yes," I finish and confirm what she already assumed. "I aborted my baby." Tears in the corner of my eye again.

"When?" Susan whispers friendly but clearly shocked.

"A long time ago. Eh, with Richard and all. I was just too... too scared."

Susan doesn't say anything but just hugs me.

"O Abby, but that doesn't mean that you can not do it, I know you had problems back then, but it doesn't mean that you'll never be able to do it. Look at me, it took me a while," she laughs a little but I can hear the tears in her voice.

I almost say 'but you'll never be bipolar,' but I don't..  
Luckily I manage not to cry again, realizing that I should stop here. I told her my reason for sitting there with Cosmo, that's all she needed to know so I pull back.

"Thanks," I mumble and grab the towel once again.

"You should have told me earlier, you know that I'll be always there for you."

"Right," I laugh and look at her. "How bad do I look?"

"Ahh...," she starts. "The cold water did miracles," she smiles and together we walk to the bathroom again.

------------------------------

About ten minutes later we both enter the living room like nothing happened, and find an almost sleeping Chuck and a really sleeping Jerry.

Luka and Chuny are still sitting at the table, not really talking anymore.

"Guys, I'm leaving, are you coming with me?" I ask polite, trying to help Susan to get the last people out of her house.

"Sure, we can walk together," Chuny answers yawning and gets up.

"Thanks Susan, I had a great time, I'll miss you," she says and hugs her. They both disappear in the living room to get Chuck and wake Jerry up.

I glance at Luka who's holding his glass.

"You fell asleep up there?" Luka smiles while he drinks the last sip of his red wine.

"Yeah, apparently..." I mumble uncomfortable and put on my scarf and hat.

------------------------------

"Which way do you guys have to go?" Jerry asks yawning as soon as we're outside.

"That way," Luka and I say at the same time, pointing to the same direction.

"Okay, than we can split up," Chuny smiles and disappears with Jerry in the dark. "See you guys tomorrow!"

"Bye," I mumble stunned and look at Luka.

"How are you going home?" he asks worried.

"El."

"It's past midnight, are you sure?"

"I'm a big girl Luka," I say a little nettled. But he's right. I don't know this part of Chicago too well, and I'm still not very comfortable at night on the street, but I don't have a choice.

"You know that it's really no problem to bring you home," he smiles and puts on his leather gloves.

"Luka, that's really not your way home. I can manage."

"Abby come on..." he stops and turns to me. "You really want to go alone?"

I roll my eyes and let out a sigh. So, okay, he's right. I don't want to go alone, but what other options do I have?  
Wait... I get it.

"No, Luka, no, I'm not going home with you," I laugh and burry my hands further in the pockets of my coat.

"What? You really thought I was going to ask you that!" He starts to laugh and grins at me.

Oh shit. "What... what do you have in mind then?" I ask and stop walking.

"Car?" he aks with a very high 'ofcourse'-calibre. "Look, I'll drive you home. If you just walk with me, we'll be there in ten minutes," he answers still grinning and starts to walk away from me.

Of course. Of course. His car... I really made a fool of myself tonight.  
"You're coming?" he shouts but doesn't wait for me.

"Sure..." I laugh.

"Good then," he says solemn and I catch up with him.

------------------------------

Luka really lied about the only ten minutes we would need to get to his place. It's about fifteen minutes later and I still don't recognize his street, and I know damn well where he lives. Not that I'll mention it. Maybe he's taking a longer way so he has more time to talk about himself and his misery. At first I listened, but now it's getting a little... old. He's not listening to my - as if - pep talk anyway.

He's still mumbling things like 'I'm nothing but what I am,' and other philosophic crap, and I'm starting to think that he may be drunk. And that that means that he won't be able to drive me home. Or, that I don't want him to drive me home in this state.

"Luka, how much have you been drinking?" Straight to the point. I know. Not that he'll notice.

"I don't know."

"How many bottles did you two open?"

"Should I have counted them?"

"You really have no idea do you?" I ask and place my hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Two or three maybe, and Chuck and Jerry drunk too you know, nothing to worry about."

That's less than I expected. So maybe it's not just the alcohol that made him melancholic tonight. I'm still standing in front of him when he takes my hand and gently lifts it from my shoulder. An unwanted shiver rushes through my body but I don't pull back and hold my breath. Just as unexpected as he touched me, he let's go and looks away. My eyes are still fixated on his face, shocked by the short moment of weakness that we both let happen.

He coughs and his hand disappears in the pocket of his coat, searching for something. The keys come out and he walks to the apartment building where we're standing.

"We're here," he states and holds the door for me.  
It's like we both had to reinstate ourselves but we seem okay again. God, what's going on here? I ask myself while I wait for Luka to close the door. What's going on with me? I'm thinking... thoughts that I don't and can't think. This was not a good idea.

"I thought you would drive me home," I say while I follow him up the stairs to his own front door.

"Keys are inside," is his explanation.

------------------------------

I sat down on his couch while he disappeared in his bedroom, looking for his car key that he clearly lost. No wonder, it's a mess in here. Automatically I start to clean up a little and throw some pizza boxes in his trashcan. I'm still standing in the kitchen while he comes in again and starts to look on the kitchen counters.

"What do they look like," I ask and start to search in all the dirty plates and newspapers as well.

"Like_ keys_," he laughs and walks over to the table.

"Oh really?" I ask sarcastic. "Didn't you have a Tasmanian devil thing on it?"

"That was a long time ago Abby... back then."

I don't answer and an uncomfortable silence interrupts our, until a minute ago, easy going conversation.

Apparently Luka gave up his search and walks to the refrigerator. "Beer?" He asks me and holds two bottles up.

"No, thank you," I answer nettled. He knows that I don't drink. I realize that even if we do find his keys, there's still no way he drives me home because he drank too much... I decide not to say anything because I don't want to choose between the two options that are left; staying or going alone.

I sigh and leave the kitchen for what it is and concentrate on the couch, which is full of crap as well.  
"Geez Luka, it's really a mess out here."

"I know..." he mumbles and walks over to me and puts down his beer on the table.

Suddenly I feel something metal between the pillows. "I think they disappeared under the pillows of your couch," I laugh and grab them from under the pillows. I turn around and hands them to Luka.  
"There you go," I smile and step aside.

He nods and let the keys slip in the pocket of his dark blue jeans.

"But I don't think it's a good idea to let you drive," I say careful and walk to the door to get my coat.

"You can drive," he tries and walks with me.

"Oh yeah, and how were you planning to get back?"

"That's on my own risk," he says and takes another sip from his beer.

"I'm not going to let you kill yourself Luka," I answer and grab my scarf from the pile of clothing.

"Are you sure?" he asks once again and helps me in my coat.

"Yes Luka, I'm sure."

He nods and throws his beer bottle towards the trashcan and hits it to our both surprise.  
"Nice shot," I laugh and open the door for myself. "I really had a great time tonight," I say, pretty much assured that nothing can happen now; I'm almost out of his apartment, I should be able to say something nice.

"Yeah, me too. We should do this more often. Coming together, I mean," he says and clears his throat before he smiles at me.

It's that thing in his eyes, the hair, the smile, the way he looks and talks... I'm not paying attention to what he says anymore.  
Before I know it, I lean in but manage to just give him a friendly hug, but as soon as his hands touch my back it doesn't feel that friendly anymore. I swallow but do nothing.

I close my eyes for a second and wrap my arms around his shoulders. Just a little moment... Just for now... But I don't want to break the hug, this feels nice.  
For a second it feels like he plants a kiss in my hair but that's just a ridiculous idea.  
Or fantasy... Anyway, he pulls back and looks straight in to my eyes, I'm caught in his and just stare back at him when he leans in and kisses my cheek.

The kiss lasts too long. Too long to be friendly, too tender to be friendly.

"Luka..." I whisper, knowing this will cause big trouble.

"It's okay," he whispers and kisses my ear.

"It's not..." I manage back just before his lips find mine.

"Shh," are his last words and then he drops my coat to the ground. With one foot I close the door of his apartment behind me and wrap my arms around him once again. This feels good, he feels good... and finally I really give in to his kiss.

"Going alone huh?" he mumbles between kisses.

"Yeah..." I laugh.

"I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable at Susan's, I was just looking how beautiful you are..."

O men, I'm blushing now even worse. "Right," I say dryly when he cups my face in his hands.

"You're beautiful Abby, I missed you."

"Luka..." I say rejecting but close my eyes and let him caress my face.

"You are..." he continues and rubs with his thumb over my lips, "...You are..." and before I realize what we're doing, we're all over each other and manage to find our way back to the couch, removing each others clothes.

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**Thank you for reading. **

_(Preview for chapter 3: Abby wakes up in Luka's apartment with a huge sense of guilt...)_

**So, what do you think? Sorry for the lack of updating, school is...impossible. Please leave a review!**


	3. What I Do Best

_**A/N:** I read some season 12 spoilers considering Abby and made up this story. I hope that it won't be more than 5, maybe 6 chapters.  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else. (Oh, and I wish I did...Although a trip to the studio's would satisfy me as well)  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About interns, lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and Luka. It's not easy when you never learned to express your love.  
**Warning:**English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers: **For this story I used the following spoilers - Sam moves out - Luka and Abby spend more time together - Haleh evaluates Abby, this are spoilers up to 12x08.  
**Reviews:** You don't wanna know how I loooved your reviews; I'm só glad that you all think it's very realistic, and most of all, that you guys think that the story is well written, considering that I'm not even American! -grins-_ _  
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**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 3 – What I do best  
_

**Thursday, 15 December 2005 – 07:15**

Ah, this is so not my bed. Not my couch either... where am I?  
O hell.

Through my eyelashes I see a coffee table, covered with newspapers and... _What!_ No.  
No no no, _don't_ tell me that that are my _clothes._  
O God, I'm naked.  
I lift up the weird blanket that covers my - yeah, it's naked - body. Great.

"Wanna eat anything?" I hear the voice of Luka coming from the kitchen.

I wrap the blanket closer around my body and lift up a little and stare immediately straight into his eyes.

"Good _morning_..." he says and suppresses a laugh.

Of course. I probably look like hell. "Where eh, where did _you_ sleep?" I ask a little confused and suppress a big yawn.

"After we... when we were, well, done... you know?"

Oh, yeah, I _know_. I know what we did on the couch. But there was no room to actually _sleep_ on this thing together.

"Well, after that, you fell asleep, so I figured that I'd better let you sleep and I slept in my own bed..."

"I fell asleep? God..."  
Frowning I touch my hair to feel how messed up it is and then the blanket slips almost out of my hand. Blushing I hold it up and decide to lay back again.

"But eh, do you want breakfast?"

No coffee, is the first thing that crosses my mind. No coffee, not here. Not Luka's coffee. Besides that, I don't even feel like staying here any longer.

"I'd better should go home," I answer and look at the clothes in front of me, trying to think of a decent way to get them in my hands.

"Well, I have a shift and I don't want to be late. So, I can leave you here, so you can change, eat something...," he says while he drinks the last sip of his coffee and grabs an apple, together with his keys and coat.

Well, apparently he already decided that this is the best idea, and maybe it is.

Still not able to think clearly, due to the lack of sleep and comfort I had last night, I decide to close my eyes again and turn on my side, face to the couch.

"You are going to get up right?" Luka laughs when he bends over me, stroking my hair.

I turn around to face him. "Don't...," I mumble frowning and turn my back to him, my eyes shut again.

I feel that he sits down on the couch and leans in so he can see my face. "Abby, come on...," he says softly, not really joking anymore.

Letting out a sigh I open my eyes and look at him. "Look, Luka, we need to talk."

He nods, smiling again. "We will be okay."

I really don't know what he means but he stands up as soon as the words left his mouth and walks to the door. "Call in sick," is the last thing I hear before he closes the door.

'We will be okay...' What _we_? I mean, I know that there should be some sort of 'we' since last night, but what was he trying to say with that _we_ will be okay? _Okay_ as in, we'll work it out together, or as in we'll work it out and leave it?  
Because I don't know what I want now. I only know that last night was really not how I planned it to be, and I never thought that I would actually do something like that. But I did. He just broke up with Sam for God's sake.

I suck in a deep breath and sit up. I grab my clothes together and hurry to the bathroom, the comforter still wrapped around my body.

Now I know why he laughed, is my first thought when I see myself in the mirror. My hair is really, really messy. There's lipstick on my cheek, mascara under my eyes and I really feel like... a whore.  
Yep, that's it. Seriously, just _look_ at me.  
A little pissed off by my stupid actions from the past few days I turn on the shower and grab a towel. Shampoo would be nice too, but everything in here has guy smell. Luka's smell.

Not really enjoying the shower – I don't feel welcome in Luka's bathroom – I take a look between all the different shampoo and douche stuff that's around here. Luka is vain.  
One of the bottles is soft purple, not really a bottle for men, and when I look at the etiquette I see that this isn't Luka's. This is the shampoo of the woman who lived here until a week ago. Sam.

Immediately I turn off the shower and dry myself. What am I doing here? How could I even _think_ that this would only have real consequences for me and Luka!  
God, I really feel... stupid, rude and unfair against Sam. I shouldn't have done this.  
I already knew that when I was standing there in the doorway, when I was walking home with him, when I actually saw him on Susan's party. I should have avoided him.

But hell, I didn't, and now I'm in his apartment. Well done, Abby.

Back in my own clothes I walk in the kitchen and search for my bag and coat. To make it all even worse I find a red coat that Alex probably left here and then I really want to get out of here.  
I ruined it. Not only for myself, but also for Alex and also for Sam. Luka was, or is, as far as I know, almost as a father for Alex and now I just... used him.  
Or wait.  
That's not entirely true. Didn't Luka use me as well? We used each other. What a nice thought.

Another heavy sigh escapes from my mouth when I take a last long look at his apartment before I close the door of his apartment and head home.

------------------------------

Why, why, why does everything in which I am involved always turns out to be so incredibly complicated? It's really truly unbelievable.  
And I can't blame anyone but myself.

God, seriously, what the hell did I do last night..! I mean, I know what I did. What _we_ did, but why? Why!  
It only shows how weak I am, how desperate, how...yearning. Well, I can tell you one thing; I'm not yearning for love anymore. Eugh, I really got myself into big problems.

I wonder if there's already a nice gossip going around in the ER. Probably. I called in sick and got a grumpy Clemente on the phone – our new 'friend' at work - who said that I was ruining the word 'sick' towards the people who were really sick and had to be treated in the ER. By me. And that I had all the time today to over think that.  
Screw him.

Screw 'We will be okay.' People told me that too many times. The way he said it... the almost creepy way he said it... The way he stroke my hair... And it's unfair to call it 'creepy,' it was just very sweet and loving but at the moment, is a loving Luka pretty creepy to me.  
And I know that we'll have to talk about it sometime, and I also know that it will be me who has to start the conversation, knowing that Luka won't even dare. Or maybe won't even see the point.

I pour the coffee in a big mug and sit down on the couch.  
Eight o'clock. Another six hours before midnight. How positive of myself.  
I spent the day cleaning my apartment and doing my long waited laundry, but since everything is done and I finished my take-out I've been staring at the stupid piece of paper that I found under the huge pile of medical magazines on my night table: Jake's postcard.  
It's about the tenth time that I'm reading it, and it's not even _that_ special.

'_Hello ER of County General,  
The weather here is much better than in Chicago, and the hospital is, what can I say, more modern than County, but I do miss County and her staff.  
Just to let you know that you don't have to be jealous,  
Jake Scanlon_

_To Dr. Lewis, Dr. Kovac, Dr. Weaver, Chuny, Sam, - this won't fit on the card, oh well, you all know who you are!'_

I damn well know who I am. The whole thing is just so... sad. Sad for Jake that he misses the ER staff, sad for me that I'm obsessed with this stupid postcard.

But it's not really the text, it's just confirming. Very confirming.  
I start to believe that all my colleagues begin to understand that I'll end up alone for the rest of my life. Not to mention Maggie; every time I talk to her she starts about me and 'that friendly John,' or me and 'that handsome European.'Good that she never met Jake, she would have loved him, and I know that she doesn't realize it, but every time that she begins over me and a relation, she confirms how... pathetic my life is.

Not that a man would solve everything. For God's sake, I learned _that_ in the past.

I stand up to switch on some more lights and put a CD in my player.  
Norah Jones... How did that happen? I wonder and stare blankly at the CD box. I get it; it's Susan's. She brought it over once, 'must hear', like I don't know who Norah Jones is.  
I'm just not the right person for such music. It's too sentimental, too... personal.  
Whatever, she's already singing now anyway.  
I catch my reflection in my kitchen window. Look at me.  
Look at me, Abigail Lockhart, in the dark of the night, over thinking her screwed up life, listening to...  
"What am I, to you..." I mumble dryly with the song before I stand up to get myself a nice sweater.

I rummage in my closet, looking for the perfect one. I collected lots of them in the past few years, mostly from men, where the other men didn't knew about. I find a huge grey 'northwestern' sweater with a hood. Wasn't that one used to be Carters? Uh-oh, I'm not sure...  
I look for more clothes that I didn't buy myself and finally end up with four things.  
A simple black shirt with short sleeves from Jake, a dark blue overlarged vest of Luka, John's grey sweater and a rumpled black sweater that's probably also Carters.

How long has that been in here? It smells fresh; he probably never took it back.  
Or_ I_ didn't give it back to _him_, that's how it actually happened back then.  
I unfold the black sweater and take a good look at it, it's really nice warm clothing. It smells fresh... so what prevents me from wearing it?  
The sleeves are way too long but my hands were cold anyway. Satisfied I walk to the bathroom to take a look at myself. My loose brown hair hangs unbrushed besides my face... Well, at least the sweater will do.

Norah Jones is pissing me off, she keeps saying this 'what am I to you' sentence and after all the butterflies, eyes, and lies she still didn't find an answer. Poor thing.  
O God, still six hours to go. Officially bored today.  
I'd better go to work and earn some money. Although John gave me this overlarge gift by paying my tuition, I'm still not rich. Not that I ever thought that I _would_ be rich.  
I mean, I did thought about it when I saw the Carter mansion, but then I'm talking about lost times. Very lost times.

I sigh and look in my bookcase. _'The Lion'_ from the French writer Joseph Kessel. Carter gave me that, a week before he left. I lay down on my couch, preparing myself for some literature...

Carter insisted me to read it in French at first, but I convinced him that that would just bore me so now I have this English version. 'Less quality', was his reaction.  
I smirk at that and open the book, he bought it for me a couple months ago, just a little gift. Well, very little compared to my tuition, but nice. _This _present was not meant to get rid of any problems and difficulties, I hope.

It's now that I notice that he actually wrote something at the inside...

'_To Abby,  
This book is to give you a little idea about Africa, how things are here in the wild nature. I don't know if you're really interested, but you said you were, so that's why you're sitting on your couch with this book in your hands. Or in bed, because I know you'll only read this when you're bored or can't sleep.  
Well, I hope you'll enjoy it, if not, send it back,  
Your good friend, John. (You may know be better as Carter)'_

I laugh at the last sentence. Poor John, I don't know why but everyone, and so did I, called him Carter. Until I got to know him better, than it turned into John, but still, the Carter was just what everyone was used to. And now he's in Africa, or France, or at least where ever Kem is. He did the right thing, and I'm glad I told him that. It still was a lame goodbye though, just because I was afraid to be too emotional, and so was he.  
So we kept it short, formal almost.  
I truly believe that he will live happily ever after, hopefully with other children, he would make a great father and he deserves it too. The only thing that keeps bothering me is that he's not in America anymore, not safe at County.  
But we'll see, he's always welcome to come back and I know that he will every once in a while.

Oh well, back to the book. I start with the first page but all the small letters make my eyelids feel heavy and it's really not appealing to read any further. Guess John was right.Boring book, sweet remembrance. I reread his small letter again. Good thing that he didn't use 'Dear Abby.'  
Although... It didn't really bring bad things. It did at the time, but now I'm good. I can live with it, it's good to be alone again, the thing I've always been the best at.

Another song has started to play, but this one doesn't annoy me, this one tells me exactly what I keep telling myself. I don't miss him. I can't miss him and I won't.

_As I sit and watch the snow  
Fallin' down  
I don't miss you at all  
I hear children playin' laughin' so loud  
I don't think of your smile_

_So if you never come to me  
You'll stay a distant memory  
Out my window to see lights going dark  
Your dark eyes don't haunt me_

_And then I wonder who I am  
Without the warm touch of your hand  
As I sit and watch the snow  
Fallin' down_

_I don't miss you at all..._

I know that. But that doesn't mean that I never think about him. I'm doing very well on my own, and I'm really not planning to go after Carter once again, I don't even want to._  
'You're much stronger than you think. You don't need me, Abby, and I don't think you ever really did.'_  
That's what he wrote to me two years ago. And I remember as if it was yesterday that I read it for the first time.  
Touched, hurt, but also realizing that he was right. That I didn't need him. But I'm not so sure about that anymore.  
Not as a love, but as a friend. My best friend, but I'm not exactly sure if that feeling will be mutual ever again.

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**Thank you for reading. **

_(Preview for chapter 4: What if someone comes in to your life again, just when you told yourself that you don't need him...?)_

**What do you think? Still enjoying it...? School decided that it's funny to let me write french and english letters, but I decided that I also need to update this story. Want to update this story. Please leave a review, they _really _make my day!**


	4. The Inside Voice

_**A/N:** I read some season 12 spoilers considering Abby and made up this story. I hope that it won't be more than 5, maybe 6 chapters.  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else. (Oh, and I wish I did...A trip to the studio's would satisfy me as well though)  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About interns, lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and mostly Luka. It's not easy when you never learned to express your love.  
**Warning:**English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers: **For this story I used the following spoilers - Sam moves out - Luka and Abby spend more time together - Haleh evaluates Abby, this are spoilers up to 12x08.  
**Thanks go to:** 'CRANKY' and 'MORGANA DAS FADAS,' for adding this story to their favorites, and everyone else who reviewed my story.  
**Special thanks to:** Maarten, who was so sweet to read this story several times, with several changes. Even past midnight. And came up with the title!_

** Sorry: changed the 'preview' for chapter 5 and some lines and mistakes!**

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**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 4 – The Inside Voice  
_

**Saturday, 17 December 2005 – 07:00**

"I'm up...I'm up..." I mumble at my alarmclock and give it a big smash what makes it fall right from my night table. Oh shit.

Yawning I sit up and rub my eyes. Having a very good stretch I walk to the bathroom and let the water of my shower warm up.

"Too early," I sigh when I catch my reflection in the mirror and see my lousy looking face.

I step in my slippers and head to the kitchen to get myself some orange juice. With my body being still in slowmotion I grab a glass and sit down at the table.  
God, I'm _so_ tired...  
The whole getting up in the winter thing never worked for me. I mean, it's still _dark_ outside. And when it's dark people should be in their bed, not in their kitchen drinking orange juice.

Have to face Luka again today. Yesterday we avoided each other, worked good enough, but we did share the glances. At least, I shared glances. Hints. Hoping that he would come to me to tell me that we have to talk. But he didn't, as expected.  
So I quit the glances thing and did my job. Just as I'm going to do today, and I can only hope that he _will_ talk today. Not that I think he has the courage. He may just think that our little action will just blow over. Well, it won't. For me there's not a breath of wind.

When I put down my glass, my ears catch the sound of water. O God, the shower is still running... I hurry to the bathroom and get myself ready for work.

------------------------------

"Head injury in four... Upset stomach in two, and a very, very bad _cough_ in... curtain three," Ray informs me with a small grin on his face while he hands me the three charts.

I just stare at him full disbelief before I open my mouth. "_Upset stomach_?" I ask nettled and take a look at the chart.

"Someone has to do it..."  
Ray taps me on my shoulder and makes a swirl before he heads to the waiting area.

"Well, and that 'someone' isn't me," I mumble and drop the chart on the admit desk.

------------------------------

It's around twelve o'clock when I'm standing in front of the coffee machine, trying to get it work, but even after I gave it a huge bang it's still not making any coffee. Just when I want to give up, Luka comes in. "Not working?"

"I don't know, it just... doesn't follow my orders."

"You should do...," he is standing behind me and leans over me to pull the plug out and then in again. "This." He smiles and turns his head. God, we're close here. I'm staring at him, totally forgotten what I was actually doing here. "Now, _push that button_," he smirks and points with his head to the machine.

"Yeah," I smile, my eyes still locked on his face. "Thanks, it works," and the soothing sound of a working coffee machine fills the lounge.

Just when I decide to step back, he does the same thing, and then we're standing face to face. I look in his eyes, completely uncomfortable and completely okay at the same time, but then he steps away and the connection is lost again.

"Sorry," he smirks softly and gives me some sort of a daring look.  
Not knowing if that's a good or bad thing I stare around the lounge and see a coat lying on the couch. I know that coat. I know that coat very well.  
I unfold it in front of me and take a good look at it. Yeah, this should be...  
I drop it back on the couch and look at Luka, who apparently was staring at me.

"Eh, is Carter coming?" I ask stunned.

"Carter? Why?"

"Isn't this...his _coat_?"

He observes it for a second and shrugs. "No idea...," he mumbles but then we suddenly hear a huge 'Welcome back!' shriek from Haleh.

I look at Luka with big eyes and he stares back at me with a huge smile. "No way...!" He laughs and opens the door of the lounge.

We find our way through all the people and suddenly I see the back of his head. Now I'm sure, it's him. Carter is back.

I'm just standing there, gazing at the crowd that surrounds him, hugging and laughing.

I probably should go and say hello... It still feels pretty unreal when I mix myself in the group of people, trying to be just one of them.

"Abby!" I suddenly hear his voice and see him coming closer to me.

"Geez, John..." I laugh, completely dumbfounded when he hugs me. My God, it is him. It's Carter. Wow.

"How _are_ you!" He sounds not surprised at all, more overwhelmed and happy because of all the attention.

"I'm...great, fine, really," I nod and notice that my hand is still on his shoulder.

He nods with this goofy smile and observes me. "You look great, really."

"Thanks," I smile and let my hand slip off him, wondering if that was inappropriate. "You, you too..."

"Ey men, Dr. Carter in tha house!" Malik shouts and gives him a firm hug.

He's still laughing, what the hell is he supposed to do otherwise? I mean, look at this...

Unbelievable.

------------------------------

"So, what are you _doing_ here!" I ask stunned when everyone got back to work and we have little time to catch up at the admitdesk.

"The clinic. Eugh, they need me to show them around."

"Them?"

"The Carter foundation. They'll ask me about money, plans, future..."

I nod. "Sorry... When is Kem coming?"

"She flies in tomorrow, she never met my mom..." He laughs and takes a look at my chart.

"Upset stomach, sounds exciting," he smirks and looks up to me. Oh men, that one was supposed to be Clemente's.

------------------------------

"I think I'm going to be sick." My patient tells me before I can even introduce myself.

Shocked John takes a step back, but unfortunately my patient is faster and before I realise what's happening he heaves, leaning over Carter's side of the bed and pukes right there, on Carter's expensive looking beige pants.

The vomit bin that I found under the bed apparently came to late.

"Sorry," I mumble half laughing and look at poor Carter, who makes a very disgusted face and rubs his forehead. "Wonderful," he says and looks down at his – now suddenly not that expensive looking anymore – pants. "Absolutely wonderful," he repeats and walks straddle-legged to the lounge.

"You do that to everyone you meet?" I ask him amused. I can't help but let the smile creep on my face. I mean, come on, it did look hilarious.

He grins and looks at me. "No, but I do feel much better now."

"Oh, I'm sure," I answer. "I'll get someone to clean this up and then I'll be back soon."

"What's your first name?" He asks just before I turn around. "A...Anna? Alex? Amy?"

"Abby," I smile. Never thought that anyone would ever think I could be an _Amy..._

"Then Abby, what do you think about us, seeing each other tomorrow at... Ike's?"

I know that there are small blushes coming up. The guy is cute after all, but this is really not going to work out. Besides the fact that he puked two minutes ago, I feel like I can't or don't want to date him. But why? Because I'm already with someone...?  
Automatically I glance at Luka, who has no idea what's going on.

"Oh, is it _him_?" Jack apparently saw my glance...

"What? Oh, I don't know," I stutter. "No, no thank you. I...I can't." I'm really blushing now. This is stupid.

"You can't or you won't?"

"Both," I smile.

"Good luck."

"Thank you." I'm pretty sure that I need that 'good luck,' because I'm totally confused with myself and my feelings, how cliche that may sound, it is true. I need some sort of clarification... Because there is _something_, there defenitely is something going on between the two of us, and neither of us dares to say it out loud. Luka probably thinks that everything will go as it will go, but I'm not like that. At least, not anymore.

"Luka, could I speak to you for a minute?" I ask him in the middle of the hallway while my heart is literally hammering in my chest. I'm nervous, very very nervous. I need to know were I am...in us. As long as there is _us_.

"Sure, what's going on?" He asks like he has no idea. And I know that he has.

"Well, I thought we might... We should talk."

"Okay, let's grab some coffee." He says it with such unbelievable ease that I can't help to look stunned. "What? That's what your implying, right?" He's smiling now.

Sweet, stupid irristible smile. He won.

Shaking my head full of disbelief I walk after him and on my way I drop my charts at admit, where I see Carter sitting completely bored behind a PC with clean scrubs.

"Hey, I thought you left to the clinic?"

"Have to wait for Kerry, she's going with me."

"You're sure you wanna steal the show in _scrubs_?"

"May look professional. Hey, I was wondering... Shall we grab some dinner together tonight?"

I don't know why but I do glance at Luka before I give him an answer. "Sure, I'll see you here around 20:00."

------------------------------

"John looks good," Luka says while we're strolling over the streets near the hospital.

"Yeah, yeah he does. Guess he and Kem are doing fine." I answer.

"Busy day?" Ha, like there's nothing else that should be said.

"A little."

"Yeah...," he sighs in agreement.

"Look Luka, could we just get to the point here?" I stop and face him.

He stops as well but just looks at me, not saying anything.

"Luka..."

God Abby, just say it. Or at least tell him that he should say something. Why does no one ever talk to me? Am I the problem?

I open my mouth but can't seem the words to answer his look. Why does he let _me_ do all the hard work? Why can't he just say..._it_. It weren't just _some_ things he said that night.

"I just...," I start but already know that I won't be able to finish my sentence. Maybe I don't want to ask this question. I bit my lip and put my hair behind my ear.  
"Were are we...?" I ask, pretty much inaudible and avoid his eyes.

"I don't know Abby, you tell me. I told you how I feel, and I never rejected you since then."

And then he turns around.

I close my eyes for a second, trying to get straight what he actually just said. So he is. So he does... So why is he walking back now? I watch him walk but don't dare to say anything, or maybe I'm not even able to speak. I look to the ground, than up to the sky and swallow the big lump in my throat. Now what?

------------------------------

I get rid of the bloody gloves when I walk out of trauma 1, lost my second patient for today. I haven't really seen Luka around, I mean, we shared this one short glance during the trauma's when he came in to see how we were doing in here – and we were doing bad – and then he disappeared in the examrooms and I got stuck with the true trauma.

I saw the clock when it was 20:00, but we didn't pronounce the guy dead before 20:20 so now I'm late for my dinner with Carter, and I'm not even hungry.

Besides, I don't think that I'll be able to concentrate on Carter when I still have my doubts about Luka. I mean, if he is... And I do think that I am.  
O, hell, I don't know what I'm talking about.

"Hey, Frank, seen Carter?" I ask him after I grabbed my coat out of my locker.

"Guy went to the roof."

I nod. Of course, could have known that. "Is he still there?"

"Haven't seen him since. Maybe he's about to jump, you'd better hurry."

"Oh, grow up," I answer nettled and step in the elevator.

------------------------------

I can see his silhouette, just like all the times before when we just sat here, not talking, just thinking until we were getting too cold. His hair is waving with the wind, his hands burried deep in his pockets... It feels like it felt back then, not entirely the same, but there was always something with us and this roof.

"Hi," I say, still standing at the door, relieved from all the stress as soon as the cold wind hits me and blows it all away.

He turns around and smiles.

"Sorry I'm late."

"We're at County." He smirks and turns his face to the sky again.

I smile at that and make my way to him. "So..."

"So," he repeats and looks at me. "Hungry?"

Grinning I shake my head. "You?"

"Ahh...," he starts and frowns before he laughs and shakes 'no'.

He turns his back to the sky and leans against the small wall. "I've missed this. The roof... Chicago, the hospital...

He points with his head to the nightscape of the city. "This. And the people, of course." He looks at me after he says that, like he expects some sort of reaction back from me.

"It's all worth it, right?"

"Oh yeah," his eyes sparkle and a huge grin appears on his face. "Defenitely. I don't care where I am right now. I do miss this every once in a while, but I'm missing her already."

I smile, glad to see him this happy. Really happy, sure of what he's doing.

"That's what they call true love Dr. Carter," I overact grinning and look at my shoes.

"Yeah, probably," he smiles again but then he looks at me and the smile disappears. Great. I seem to have that effect on people.

A soft but cold wind rushes along my body and I can't resist to shiver.

"Cold?" He asks accurate and stands up.

"I'm fine," I answer and wrap my arms around my body.

"We could go inside."

"No, John. It's fine, really."

"You really look... good."

A short laugh escapes my mouth, although I know that he's probably very serious, or at least trying to be polite. "That's the second time today Carter, don't lie."

"What? It's not what it seems?"

"It's...nothing. Nothing... seems." Oh, there I go again. As soon as John Carter talks to me... He still seems able to open little rooms in my head that I locked so well.

"I'm getting a little confused here?" Oh, he's not getting confused at all, he just wants to talk. And he knows damn well that I know that.

I sigh and throw my head back in my neck. "I don't know. I mean, yeah, I'm happy. It's just..."

"Hard," he states and looks at me questioning.

"True. And challinging, too."

He nods. "So, is Jake still...around?"

I raise my eyebrows at that question. Where did that came from? Jake seems like a really, _really_ long time ago. "He's in San Fransisco... After I told him not to stay here," I take a deep breath before I continue. "...for me."

He laughs at that.

"It's not _that_ funny," I say but I'm laughing now too.

"Sorry," he mumbles with a chuckle. "So it didn't work out?"

"Yeah, well. I expected that. And don't tell me that you didn't. Everyone did."

"I'm not saying anything."

I chuckle and put on my gloves. "Whatever, it's okay."

"Well," he says and stands up. "I liked him." He starts to walk slowly and I get besides him.

"You never talked to the guy."

"Oh, I did."

"You did?"

"He talked to me. About... you. Us."

"Old or new 'us'?" I ask a little nervous, feeling the tension again that I almost forgot about since he left.

"Big difference?"

"Yeah-eah," I laugh when we reach the other side of the roof.

"Then...old us."

"We were that interesting?" I ask, wondering about what they ever could have talked.

"Jake thought we were."

"Geez, he never mentioned it."

"You'd think."

"So what? You told him all the juicy details?" I smirk jokingly although I _am_ getting pretty nervous here, knowing that we're bringing the subject up that we hid for the past two years.

"Neh, I'm not like that. Just... why we broke up. He couldn't figure it out."

"Well, if _that_'s what he wanted to find out, he could have asked anyone around here," I say, still with a smile on my face. But I can't say that it's really funny. Suddenly the whole thing... the whole letter thing is getting on me. And he can tell.

"Hey, you know that I'm still sorry for that," he stops walking and looks at me.

"I know," I smile uncomfortable and look away from him.

"I really am."

He means it. I know him good enough to tell that he really means it, and that he really _is _sorry. I feel his eyes at my face, trying to find my gaze but he won't be able to. I know that already. We never talked about this, we... left it. And now, two years later he's standing here, and the fact that it's here on the roof doesn't make it much easier, telling me that he's sorry. With a heartbreaking voice, like he never wanted to hurt me, but he did. Hell he did. And a sorry won't be able to fix it. It wasn't back then, and it still isn't.

"It's a little late for that."

I'm not able to see him when I say it. He's standing almost behind me, but I feel the eyes, the presence of him, the awkwardness between us both.

Slowly I turn around and then he can see me again, and I see _him_ again. I avoid his face, but do see the hand that almost surreptitiously slips out of his pocket, and reaches mine while he takes another step closer.

I bit my lip, and close my eyes, trying to do everything to work my tears away. Everything is too late... Why was I ever glad to see him again? Why was I even hoping for him to come back? There's nothing left... And the little _that_ is left, is nothing but pure misery.

His hand slides over my arm to my shoulder, his other arm slips around my back when he pulls me against him. I'm not able to keep looking at his coat anymore, he almost forces me to look in his eyes but I manage to stare away and ignore his hug, his touch, him. But as soon as his hand strokes my hair, I'm not able to think clearly anymore and press my face in his heavy black coat.

"I should have never let that happen to you. You didn't deserve that, never," he whispers in my hair before he pulls back and only holds my hands.

I'm squeezing my eyes shut, not wanting to allow the tears to slip through my eyelashes. But I'm not really comfortable with this; somewhere I am. But it won't work. And the stupid thing is, that he, the person who hurt me right in the middle of my heart, seems to be the only one who can really comfort me about that, and that's nothing more but frustration.  
However, that frustation is strong enough to pull back and feel the anger raise in my body.

He seems to be a little surprised when I take my step backwards.

"Why was that?" I ask it in a normal voice, but can't help to get really pissed off and to the point now.

"Why... why do you always need to _break_ me!" I lift my arms in the air for emphasis and take another step back. "I don't need you here, telling me that you're sorry Carter, I don't. And you know how to get to me, and I don't want you to!" I'm yelling, not to loud, but defenitely yelling.

My chest feels tight, my heart hits my ribcage with every hammering, slow beat.  
There, I said it, I said just a little part of what I still need to tell him, what I still need to shout at him, but he's doing it again. The look, the 'God, I'm sorry,' look.

"I never wanted to break you," His voice his hoarse, broken even. An unbearable silence follows.

But you did, didn't you. I don't dare to say it out loud, I just want to stop talking, forget about this.

"This wasn't a good idea," I say, getting the volume of my voice back to normal. "I mean, I really thought that we..." I'm mumbling again, not able to push the words over my lips.

"That we were okay?" He finish my sentence for me, holding his head a little skew.

Is he smiling now? What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"Yeah..." I mumble dumbfounded and look him straight in the eyes for the first time today. "Yeah…" I say again and turn around to look at the view once again.

"But we aren't... are we?" He asks while he comes standing besides me.

"Will we ever be?" I ask, knowing the answer, knowing that it doesn't make sense to start this discussion.

"Oh, we're just pretty complicated," he smirks and looks at me. That seems to break some of the terrible tension between us.

"The hell we are," I laugh and turn my face to him.

"Still, I'm glad to see you."

"I know, same here," I answer and let out a heavy breath that I didn't know I was holding.

"It's disappointing isn't it? That every time that we see each other... There's still pain, and misery, and anger... and whatever else that's wrong with us."

After he finished his sentence he looks at me, with an understanding, serious smile, that seems to be glad with what he just said.

Frowning I turn my face to him, surprised by the fact that he does know what's still going on, what will be going on forever. And somewhere I knew that he did, but he always managed to ignore it, and so did I.

And I'm glad, or better said relieved, that it's out now.

I look over the roof, thinking of all the things that we discussed here, that happened here, that went wrong here.

"And three years ago… three years ago..., you proposed me right here."

"Yeah…" he answers and looks at the nightscape of the city. "And I never did it again."

"Nope," I say. "You never did it again." And I can't believe how glad I am about that fact.

------------------------------

With a confident smile I'm walking down the stairs, back in the, now suddenly cosy compared to the roof, and warm ER. John is still up there, and I wonder how long he will tough it out there, but I think he'll manage. He is melancholic enough to stand there 'til morning. Maybe healthier than sitting for a week in a dark apartment, like I love to do.

I pass admit, waiting area, and then I'm outside again. Melted, grey snow and mud cover the ambulance bay, and it's even colder here than it was on the roof.

"...Hey," I hear a hoarse voice from behind me when I'm about to leave the ambulance bay.

Immediately I turn around and see Luka, halfly hidden behind the entrance sign. That... was unexpected and a little scary too. "That was creepy," I smile and take some steps towards him.

"What? Men in dark coats hiding behind the entrance sign?" He smirks and observes me closely.

"No, you snucking up on me after you walked away."  
There you go, I think to myself, glad that I dared to say that right in his face.

He sucks in a deep breath and shows me his smile. "Shouldn't have done that huh?"

"Didn't make things much easier," I say, pretty much sarcastic.

His face is being softly lit up by the blue and red light that comes from the sign, clear enough to see his expression, to see his dark eyes, moving around my face.

"I guess it's all up to you Abby," he tells me, a little daring, like he's just waiting for me to give in, but I can't.  
It's freaky that I know how he feels already. It doesn't make this situation easier at all.

I look straight in his eyes, preparing myself to answer his smart move, but I'm not ready yet. The stupid thing is that he makes me smile anyhow, he'll always win.

So why doesn't he just kiss me, so I can say that I missed him too and we could have this lovely cliche thing going on. I sigh and hold my head skew.

"Well," I say and put the annoying lock of brown hair behind my ear. "I guess so."

He nods and lets out a deep sigh. His breath forms a little cloud in the cold air. "I was thinking... Christmas is coming up."

I nod. I'm pretty sure he's offering me something, that he's offering himself here.

"But I don't know if you planned anything... with your family or something."

Ha, that's a good one. Christmas with my family. I mutter a 'yeah right,' and look at him.

"Well, me neither. So maybe we could..." He laughs the shiest smile I've ever seen him smiling before. He raises his eyebrows a little, biting his lip, waiting for my answer.

My head turns to my other shoulder. I lick my dry lips and lean against the entrance sign. "Yeah... maybe we could," I smile and take a step towards him.

This is why, I realise. We don't need to finish sentences, we just need to understand what we're trying to say.

I stare in his eyes, mine should be twinkling just as much as his are right now.

Another step closer, knowing that with what I'm going to say now, I'll clear all the questions we had before. "I'm glad you asked," and with that I lean in, and kiss him gently on his lips.

I feel him smile against my lips, feel his hand slipping on my back, and for the first time I feel like I'm doing something right. Very right.

* * *

**Thank you for reading. **

_(Preview for chapter 5: Carter invites Luka and Abby for dinner, but Abby can't seem to focus on anything when she finds something out; something that will change everything.)  
_

**Hope everyone enjoyed this long chapter, it took me quitte a while to get it all right, but I think it is now. Any comments, negative or positive feedback, I'd love to hear them.**


	5. Keeping Up Appearances

_**A/N:** The story will continue! How many chapters it will get I don't know yet, but I do know that I like this story and that I'll continue through season 12.  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers:** From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!  
**Other stories:** I'm working on the Young Troubled, I am. And still thinking about Twelve Months.  
**Thanks go to:** Maarten! Who supports and helps me in every way with this – and my other – stories. And of course, to EVERYONE who reviewed!_

_ Sorry, reread this and decided to change the 'preview,' and some other small lines...

* * *

_

**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 5 – Keeping Up Appearances_

**Saturday, 17 December 2005 – 22:45**

Shit, I look like a sixteen year old. Quit the smile Abby. Quit it. Think of surgery, medicine...  
This isn't working. I decide to look at the ground and try to hide my face from the few people around me.

So we walked to the El together, not even holding hands or anything, just close, talking about work, about the snow that's actually falling right now, and then I said a silly 'see you tomorrow,' before I stepped in. Not a single kiss involved.  
And Luka smiled a small smile while he waved and stepped back when the doors closed. And now I can only wish that he wouldn't be off tomorrow.

I tried so hard not to... fall in love. At least not anytime soon, but I believe that I failed. In fact I'm pretty sure I did.

Christmas, I'm going to his place for Christmas. Never thought that I could be so thrilled about something so... cheesy.

So in how many days will it be? Today was the...17th. Eight days. Gosh, that's even more than a week.

It's when I unlock the door of my apartment building when I realize something. The 17th. My period should have started... Two days ago. Frowning I walk up to my apartment and the first thing I do when I get inside is grab my agenda and sit down at the kitchen table.

------------------------------

Oh no. Oh shit... No, wait. One, two, three... God. No, this isn't possible, this can't be possible. I can't be... Calm down, once again.

For the twentieth time my fingers move from day to day over the calendar in my agenda. I know what I see, I know what the circles around the days say, but it's pretty hard to believe. I don't even feel...

I'm late. I'm never late.

It could be stress.

Am I stressed? No.

Instantly my hand flies to my flat belly. I didn't notice anything. Okay, so I couldn't sleep for the past, what, two days, but there's enough to worry about to suffer some sort of insomnia.

See, so maybe I _am_ stressed. And now I definitely am.

I sigh, close my agenda and push it to the other end of the table. Come on Abby, it's only two days. It doesn't mean anything.

But when I lay down in my bed I can't seem to find the sleep that I need so hard.  
What if I am... I know that it's ridiculous; it has only been two days, but _what_ if I am... what if I am pregnant.

Yawning I roll over on my side and stare at the red numbers of my alarm clock that just undisturbed keep changing from minute to minute. What will happen when I am? Will I be able to go through that again? There are no other options. There never were other options.

Leave it Abby. Just wait and see what happens.  
But I'm never late. Never.  
I can't seem to calm down. I need to know, but I don't want to.  
There is no need to worry. No need. No need...  
And after a while, the voices stop arguing in my head and I drift off in a light sleep.

**Sunday, 18 December 2005 – 09:00**

I wake up by the sound of… my phone. 9:00 AM. Oh great, after staring at my alarm clock until I _finally_ fell asleep, I didn't even _set_ the damn thing. Nice, I overslept and now the phone is ringing.

"Abby Lockhart," I yawn and clear my throat, startled by the huge amount of sleep that's audible in my voice.

I hear some rejecting sound at the other side of the line. "_That_ is a sleepy Abby."

John. Of course. John wakes me up, how wonderful.

"Yeah it is," I answer, rubbing my eyes while I sit up in bed.

"I don't know if you're interested but...I wanted to invite you and Luka for dinner."

Excuse me? "Eh, what…?" I mumble, wondering if I didn't hear him right.

"Dinner. Luka said yes, but if you don't feel like it, I understand."

"Wow, yeah, well…"

How am I supposed to answer that offer? He already expects that I'll say no.  
And me _and_ Luka? As in… we together? Nah, Carter doesn't know. Unless Luka said something, but I know that he wouldn't.

"…I'm not sure yet." I answer truthfully.

"Okay, I'm at County now, waiting for Kerry. I'll be stuck upstairs for the afternoon, so call me if you figured it out."

This is going too fast for my mind in this state of sleep.

"Wait, eh, John, okay... I'll let you know."

"Sure. Make sure you get yourself some coffee."

"Yeah… Oh, where and when?"

"Dinner? My place, around 20:00. Oh, Kerry! There she is, sorry, bye!"

"Bye…" I mumble stunned and place the phone on my night table again.

Oh gosh, I _really _overslept. Two hours, and I'm not even dressed yet.

------------------------------

I need to pee, my hair is a mess, I'm truly starving and I still need my coffee. A very different mood than yesterday evening, and the fact that my period still hasn't started doesn't make this day much more comfortable.

With my stomach rumbling and the sleep still in my eyes I step out of the El and head to County. My night rest was everything but deep or peaceful.

I've been thinking to call in sick and go to the drug store to buy a test, but I can't skip work, I need the money. Not that I don't know that that's nothing more but a lame excuse for not going to the drug store. I know that. Well, let's just hope my period will end his little vacation so everything will go back to normal.

------------------------------

After I accidentally ordered tests for patients that I had already discharged it was Sam who decided that I needed sleep. In the on call room, while Pratt thinks that I'm looking for a surgeon.

So here I am, _not_ sleeping. Not even lying in the bed. I'm sitting cross-legged on the mattress, my back against the wall and without knowing why, my hand on my belly. Like I could feel if there is something in there. I force myself to get my hand of it and cross my arms. I should do it. I should just make sure. What if I'm worrying about nothing?  
Or wait another day. But my instinct tells me something different.  
Instinct. Great Abby, like that's always right.

Oh man, what am I _doing_? I need to talk. No I don't. I need a result. A confirmation.  
Letting out a deep breath I stand up. Come on, let's find myself a test.  
I realize that I can't grab one from the drug lock-up; I'm 'sleeping.'  
Drugstore is not an option either; I need to stick around in the hospital. What then? OB? Probably. Okay, let's do that. Let's go upstairs, ask for a test and find out.

------------------------------

"Hey, good afternoon Dr. Lockhart..."

What a timing. Just when I found the courage to actually go and do the test after I stole it from OB, is here... John Carter.

"Hi...," I sigh and lean against the wall of the elevator.

"Bad night?"

Thanks. "I know."

"Sorry," he chuckles. "Thought about my offer?"

Oh damn. Oh... _great_. That's tonight. Today...

"You don't have to Abby, really."

I open my mouth but can't seem to find the right words.  
"Look... I wish that I could, but I can't..."

"I understand," he nods, although the disappointment is very clear on his face. God, he really was hoping I'd said yes.

"I just-" But then the elevator doors shove open and he steps out.

"Hey! John, it's not about you."

He turns around and looks straight in my eyes.

"Even if that would be the point, I'd still understand."

No you don't. No Carter, you don't understand this at all. I desperately try to think of what to say while he's standing in the middle of the ER, in front of me.

I suck in a deep breath and swallow.  
"It's something else." Of course it's something else.

"Okay."  
Don't do that disappointed 'okay,' John. Geez, I don't _want_ to hurt him.

"Don't take this personally."

"I'm not." Yes you are.

I nod and let my hands slip in the pockets of my lab coat. "Maybe some other time."

"I'm leaving Sunday. There's no next time."

My mouth falls open at that. I wish I could. God, I wish I could. Or maybe I can. It just depends.

"You know what, I'm not sure yet," I say with a fake smile.

He answers with a shrug and shakes his head. "I don't think I understand this anymore."

"It's about... me. I need to find... things out." I blush when I hear my voice cracking. My God, that sounded like I'm going to die today.

He narrows his eyes. "Are you okay?"

I manage to let a small smile appear on my face. "I think so."

"'Cause if you need to talk...," his sympathetic, comforting voice nearly breaks me. He knows me too well. Far too well.

"I know." Unfortunately my voice trembles.

"If I can help, you can trust me, you know that right?"

"I know."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," I answer.

------------------------------

He watches me when I sit down on a chair in the dark of an empty exam 3. My hands are trembling and my breath is shivering like hell.

He sits down on a bed in front of me, his two worrying brown eyes stare at my face.  
"You can tell..." Again the soft voice.

Geez, I know I can. I just don't know if I should. Isn't it wrong to talk with _him_ about this?

I suck in a breath, a sob escapes my mouth. Shit.  
Tight-lipped I cross my arms and look at a dark spot under the bed. I can't say it. I haven't said it out loud yet, and I don't think I can.

I feel his eyes looking at me, not _forcing_ me to say anything, just _hoping_ that I will.

Not knowing what to do otherwise I grab the test out of my pocket and throw it softly on the tray that's standing besides the bed he's sitting on. There.  
Immediately I look away.

In the corner of my eye I can see him nod while he takes the box in his hand and shakes it softly before he puts it back on tray again.

"You haven't taken it, have you?"

I shake my head, still staring at the tiled floor.

"Maybe you should." His voice is a soft whisper, and tells me what I already told myself a thousand times.

I shrug a little. "I'm too scared..." Another sob, and then one, two tears are cascading down my face.

He rubs his forehead. "Maybe you're worrying for no reason," he tries.

"I'm three days late," I say with the tears still in my voice.

"It can be... stress Ab."

I shake my head again.

"Remember when we were together and you were one day late? You worried back then, nothing happened."

I do. I do remember, but that was about Eric.

"_Three_ days John, this is different," I look at him for the first time and wipe away my tears.

"I'm just trying to say, that it may not be."

"Yeah, and what if it is?"

"You should do the test before you worry about the what if's." He signs with his head to the box, hoping I'll pick it up, but I don't.

"I can't...have... a _child_."

"Would Luka be the father?"

Surprised I look at him. "How? Yeah..."

"Rumors go fast," he smiles softly. "He's a good guy."

"I know," I nod. "But I won't be a good... mother."  
I swallow away the last word and another tear falls, but I keep the sobs under control.

"Don't say that. Don't hurt yourself like that."

Then he kneels down in front of me and forces me to look in his eyes. "You, would make a _great_ mother Abby."

My eyes move around his face, not knowing were to look.

"I don't want to be," I say, avoiding his gaze and take the test in my hand.

"Take it," he commands softly.

I nod and wipe away the other tears when he stands up. With the door handle in his hand he turns around.  
"If you want me to... wait?"

"God no." I answer. He's definitely not the first person that I'll tell if I'm pregnant or not.

He smiles. "Okay. Call me if you come or not."

I nod. "Thanks," and then he closes the door behind him.

Okay, I tell myself and look at the box in my hand. Can I do this in this hospital? In a ladies room? What if they suspect anything? I'll have to be quiet...what if something happens, what if I drop the box? No. I'll do it at home. I'll take this with me.

Trying to get rid of the red stains that the tears formed on my face I stand up and leave the dark room. Still feeling – and probably looking – red-eyed I make my way to the lounge. I need to leave.

------------------------------

I'm standing at my window, staring at the snow-white rooftops in front of me, my hand wrapped around a glass filled with cold water. I haven't had a sip.  
There's nothing in my head but emptiness. I'm just being completely thoughtless while I stare at the white snow that falls against my window and on the roofs.

The test is still in my bathroom, lying there on the counter. And I'm standing here, hoping that when I'll go in there again, the result has changed. That one line miraculously disappeared. But it won't.

Of course not. Because I'm pregnant.

I don't know for how long I'm standing here, I just can't get my feet to move away from were I'm standing. The only thing that continues is the snow, and I'm on a hold.  
My instinct was right after all, and the test didn't lie. I _am_ pregnant.

I can't _smile_, or _cry_, or _think_. I don't know if I'm happy or not. The only thing I know is that Luka needs to know.

For some reason I don't dare to turn around, to get my shoes, to throw the test away, to go to Carter, to go on with my life. How can I, now nothing is the same anymore?  
I'll have to pretend. Like everything is how it used to be, like there's nothing going on.  
Keep up my appearance.

------------------------------

How huge can a front door be? My God. I haven't been her since he came back from Africa. And here I am.

"Hey!" And there _they _are. Carter opens the door, Luka is standing right behind him with a glass of wine.

"Hi," I smile and step in the warmth of his hallway.

"Want to drink something?" Luka asks me. Hi, I think to myself.

"Soda would be fine," I nod and catch the sparkle in his eyes for a moment. I sparkle back. If that's possible.

"So," Carter starts as he helps me out of my coat and puts it away. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," I smile back at him, hoping that he won't ask the actual question.

"Good," he nods and leads me to his living room.

A little uncomfortable I sit down on the couch besides Luka and take a small sip from my drink. "So gentlemen, what's the general idea of tonight?"

"_General_? I have four people in the kitchen working on a five-course dinner!"

Shocked I choke in my soda. Immediately I see Luka laughing. "Don't laugh Luka," I answer as soon as I realize the joke. "Carter likes big dinners."

"Well, you're right about that. But is Italian lasagna okay with you?"

"Of course," I smile.

"Will be the last good meal for a while," he smirks and resits in his chair.

"Back to Africa?" Luka asks.

He shakes his head. "Darfur."

"Darfur?" I repeat stunned. What, did he turn in to some adventure hero?

He nods. "New flying doctors project. It seemed right to do it."

"With Kem?" Luka asks, he seems to agree about the good idea. I'm not sure yet. I thought he was just planning on Africa.

"Kem stays in Africa."

Luka and I share a glance. "I'm sorry," I mumble.

"What? O! No, we are still together! She just runs the clinic in the Congo, and Darfur will only be for a couple of months, and then... we'll see each other in France." He sighs a good sigh.

"You changed..." I say, not really on purpose, it was more a thought.

"I know," he smiles. "This is what I should have done years ago."

That hurts me somewhere, but Luka just nods. "It's a good thing you're doing."

"Have _you_ ever considered of going back there?" John asks.

Nervously I wait for Luka's answer. What if he says 'yes,'? He won't, will he?

"Ah," he starts and shakes his head. "It was a great experience, and I certainly would do it again, but right now... No."

"Your new chief position," Carter nods understanding.

"That too," Luka nods and looks shortly at me. I smile, Carter's looking at me as well now. This is weird, pretending that Carter doesn't know about us.

"Dr. Carter, your dinner can be served," an elderly woman stands in the doorway, wearing the classical servant outfit.

"Thanks Emily, we'll be right there," Carter smiles at her and turns back to us.

Luka's mouth falls open, big surprised eyes still stare at the doorway. "You have _personnel_?" His voice squeaks and suddenly his accent is thicker than usual and I can't help but laugh.

Carter shrugs as he gets up. "They're good people," he says and heads to the kitchen.

"Huh, I bet," he laughs uncomfortable at me when we get up as well and follow him.

------------------------------

"That was very good," I smile satisfied after we finished the chocolate whatever dessert. It went by in no time, and it wasn't as confrontating as I feared it would be. Actually, I had a great time.

"Thanks, but I'm afraid... that I'll have to let you two go. It's past ten and I need to leave early tomorrow."

We stand up and head to the hallway while I lick the last chocolate from my lips. Good stuff.

"Well," Luka starts as he gets our coats. "We're gonna have to miss you again."

"Yes..." Carter sighs and hugs Luka. "It was nice to have you guys come over, I really enjoyed it."

I nod in agreement and lean in to kiss his cheek. "I'll miss you," I mumble and look up to him.

"I'll miss you too," he answers and hugs me. A little emotional we let go again.

"But you'll be back right?" Luka says from nearby the front door.

"Oh, I will. Maybe I'll take Pratt with me then."

"_Pratt_?" Luka and I ask at the same time.

"Pratt," he repeats nodding. "He seems interested."

"Sounds like a good idea," I say as he holds the door for us.

"Yeah...," he answers.

"We really had a great time," Luka says again while we walk outside.

"Well, 'til another time!" Carter smiles as we start to walk.

"We're always here," I say and turn around once again.

"I know," he smiles and looks me in my eyes for a moment. "You'll be okay."

"I am," I reassure him with a nod and look at Luka. "Let's go."

"Bye!" And with that Carter closes the door of his mansion.

As soon as he disappears in his house Luka grins at me, and I can't help to smile back.

"What are we going to do now?" He asks while he pulls me closer against me and kisses my forehead.

"Well," I say and pull back so I can look up at him. "We need to talk."

* * *

**Thank you for reading! **

_(Preview for chapter 6: Abby and Luka will talk about what to do now, and finally Abby makes a decision, but what decision will that be? )_


	6. It's Not Gonna Work

_**A/N:** I got concurrence, haha. I already expected that to happen, I knew that there would be this huge burst of Luby talk fics, but I'll continue anyway. I knew about these spoilers for a long time already, and two weeks ago I decided to write them in this story.  
Know that there will be a chapter 7, and then probably a new **sequel**!  
I hope that this chapter is realistic and imaginable, I tried to capture them both as good as possible.  
_

_**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers:** From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!  
**Other stories:** You should check out 'The Young Troubled,' my Carby high school fic ;)!  
**Thanks go to:** Maarten, and to Nette, that last review really encouraged me to update sooner than usual. And all... all, all the other wonderful reviewers here at fanfiction!_

_Edited for grammar mistakes etc!_

* * *

**My Golden Rule **

___Chapter 6 – It 's not gonna work_

**Tuesday, 20 December 2005 – 22:30**

"About what?" He asks me, his hands still resting on my upper arms.

"Well, it's just that I..." I look around the street. This is stupid, we're not more than sixty feet from Carter's place.

"Luka...," I start and look back at him.

"Yes?" He answers questioning and lets his hands slip off me.

I take a step back and swallow deeply before I finally say it.

"I'm pregnant."

Stunned he opens his mouth. No words, no expression.

"Pregnant...?" His voice is no more than a shocked whisper when he repeats what I just told him.

I nod, staring in his eyes, trying to find out what he thinks.

"Really?" He's still in shock.

"Well, yes," I smile uncomfortable.

"You're sure?" God Luka, of course I'm sure.

"Yeah. Well..." Why doesn't he just say something about this?.

"Well, that's... _news_."

I give him a confused look, wondering if he'll ever tell me what he thinks now. It's one of the very first times that I really don't see his feelings in his eyes.

"Are you... happy about this?"

"I don't know," I say quickly and can help but pout a little.

He nods and bites his lip. "We should talk then."

"I guess we should."

------------------------------

When we're inside of my apartment, we both sit down on the couch, still quiet. We haven't really said anything during or way home, and I wonder if that will change now.

He looks back at me, lets out a sigh and smiles softly. "Never imagined this," he smirks a little and places his arm on the back of the couch, his fingers gently touching my shoulder.

"Well, me neither," I smile back and stand up. "I'm going to bed."

"I'm coming with you."

------------------------------

Luka just switched the light off. I'm laying on my side, my face averted from his. I can't close my eyes, and he knows that I'm still awake since I coughed a minute ago.

"I really can't sleep," I hear Luka behind me. "Can you?"

"No," I answer.

"When did you find out?"

"Today." I sigh and roll on my back. "I did the test and well, two lines."

Nothing but the soft sighs of his breath.

I turn back on my side and close my eyes, but can't seem to find any rest. Why doesn't he say anything? He could at least say _something._

This it it.

I turn around once again and look at him, seeing him laying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"It not a good idea. Right? A kid. I mean, I don't even want..."

I stop talking when he suddenly turns on his side as well and looks straight in my eyes.

"I don't know," he says simply. "I don't know if it's a good idea."

I give him a quizzical look.

"Yeah, I mean, you already are... pregnant."

"I _know_ that," I answer slightly irritated.

He shrugs and stares in my eyes. "It's your body, your pregnancy. You're in charge of that. And if you don't feel like this should continue, then."

Letting out a deep sigh I lay on my back again and stare at the darkness above me.

"I've had an abortion, years ago. And somehow I accepted the fact that..." I turn my head to him, waiting for a schocked reaction, but it doesn't happen, he just wants me the continue. "Well,I'm just not meant to raise kids," I manage to smile weakly.

"Why shouldn't you be? Because of your mom?"

"Well yeah-eah. And because of Eric, because of me, my life, my habits. I'm not a mother, really," I tell him and lean on my elbows so I can look at him a little better.

"You're talking crazy."

"I'm not Luka. I really am not."

He sighs and scratches his elbow. "Is it really that bad?"

Yes Luka, it is. For the twentiest time I turn on my side, my face averted from him again. It_ is_ that bad. Or maybe even worse. One tear drips slowly off my cheek, but I'm not really crying.

"Hey," he whispers and shifts his body closer against me, leaning over and caressing my hand with his. "Don't worry."

I close my eyes.

"You would be a wonderful mother, but if you don't want to be...It's your body, your life. The only advice I can give you is that you'd do great."

I grab his hand tighter and let him lay against me. I wonder what I want. Everything is so different than back then, I never told Richard, and now I did tell Luka, and there is at least some sort of conversation.

Deep down inside I know that I want to keep this baby, but I'm trying to convince myself that I shouldn't. After all, that's what I always told myself. And that on it's self should be enough not to continue this. Right?  
But now I'm thinking about it... back then there were no other options, I never even thought about the other options then. And now I do. And Luka does. But still... I'm not a mother.

I'm glad that he's here with me now, that he came home with me. His head against mine, his chest against my back, holding each others hand. He's here for me. He would be there for the baby. But would I be there?

I let out a shivery breath and swallow the lump in my throat. "I'm just really, really scared," I smile weakly through my watery eyes and turn my face to his.

"I know, and you have enough time to overthink this," he says and caresses my cheek. "You should take that time."

I squeeze my eyes for a moment and manage to stop other tears from coming. "I don't know if I can," and with that I roll over to his side of the bed and let him embrace me, my face on his chest, feeling the soft material of the black shirt he's wearing.

"You're not alone," he whispers in my ear and places a soft kiss on my hair.

God, I love you. Not that I say it out loud, but hell it's true. It's the first time since ages that we're like this in bed, just being there for each other, being able to talk, to listen.

He understands me, I know that. And he'll respect my decision, I know that too. But I can't figure out what the decision should be.

**Wednesday, 21 December 2005 – 13:00**

Luka and I are both working, but we haven't really had a change yet to talk again. I've been able to keep my mind with traumas en patients all the time, but now I'm standing in the drug lockup and have no patients to focus on, the nervous feeling comes back. Decision... I don't want to make a decision...

Things would be so much easier if I was just not pregnant. But hell, that's not the reality.

I'm smiling. Why am I smiling? I grab the vicodin from the top shelf and make my way back to exam 2. I am pregnant, I'm carrying a little child. That's why I'm smiling.

I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life. One part of me is thrilled and excited, the other part tells me to face the truth and see that it won't work, and that I don't want this. But deep down I still think I _do_ want this, although I'm still trying to convince myself that I don't.

------------------------------

It's about two hours later and I'm standing behind admit when Luka snucks up on me and grabs the charts out of my hands. "I did some research for you," he says and takes my hand, pulling me over to a quiet corner in the hallway.

"I looked on the internet, about passing bipolar disorders on to children, and it's less than ten percent. And you're not even bipolar yourself."

I smile, finding it sweet that he did this, but it's not new information to me. I know it's such a small chance, I've known that for a long time.

"It still is in my genes Luka, and look at Eric, he's one of those ten percent."

The slightly convinced look on his face disappears, but then he places his hands on my shoulders, looking down on me. "You're not Maggie."

"But I _am_ her daughter."

He swallows, and it looks like he's going to say something very important. We both search in each others eyes, and I can't describe how awkward this feels.

He opens his mouth, takes a breath and then says it. "I really would love a child."

The shock must be clear on my face. I cough uncomfortable and let my hands slip in the pockets of my lab coat, and nod softly.

He's still staring at me, looking at me. I don't think he's begging me, he just wants me to know. And I do. I already did and I certainly do now.

I rub my forehead and look at him, letting out a soft sigh. "I... haven't made any decisions yet. And...," I stop for a moment, hoping he'll let me continue and he does. "...I need more _time_." I don't think I've ever sounded this insecure in my life. "Alone."

He nods and takes a step backwards. "Okay," is all he says. "When are you off?"

"Eight."

"Me too."

I nod.

"Come see me, tonight or tomorrow, okay?"

"Of course," I nod and step away from him. "I will."

"Okay," he swallows, turns around, and goes back to work.

------------------------------

I've been trying to tell myself that it would be one ridiculous idea to even think about contuining this pregnancy. It would be such a wonderful thing, it would be, but I'm not a mother, and I won't become one. There are too many things I can screw up. Hell, I have a life time to screw up my own child. Everything should just go back to normal.

And there's only one way to do that. But I don't want that to happen. It will be all over then, I tell myself.But do I want this to be done?   
Yes, Abby. Yes. Don't even think about it. Come on, do you see yourself raising a child? With Luka? No.  
But it would be so great...  
No. I just got my own life back on track, it's just not gonna work. It's really not.

I'm walking up the stairs of his apartment building, and take a deep breath as I stand in front of his door.

I ring the doorbell and as soon as I see him open the door for me, I walk immediately to his kitchen table and sit down, not even putting off my coat.

"I don't think I should continue this," I say while he closes the door and sits down at the other side of the table.

"You can't, or you... won't?" He asks softly.

I give him a weak smile. "Both, probably."

"Are you too scared?"

I look in his eyes and nod. Because I am. It's pure fear. Fear for everything, for responsibility, for a brand new life that will need me... He averts his face from me and looks to the round.

"I'm so sorry... I am Luka, please. But do you _really_ think that we can raise a child together?"

Slowly he turns his face to me. "I thought that we could, yes."

I cover my mouth with my hand before I rub it over my eyes, trying to prevent myself from showing off too much emotions.

"But it would be forever... Diaper changes, bringing to school... We're both working, I just..."

"We could work that out. We could work everything out. But..." With that he stands up and kneels down in front of me, taking my hands. "Know that I'll respect your wishes, whatever you do."

I nod and let him rub away my tears. "You're scared Abby, and I know why, I understand why. But we, we could raise a child. I'd be willing to do that." He looks at me, waits for an answer.

"I'm sorry that I can't," I whisper and stand up when he gets up as well and walk to the door.

"Are you...leaving now?"

I nod, holding the door handle already, knowing that I'll have to get out of here as soon as possible. I can't change my mind.

"Give it a little more time," he says while he walks towards me.

"I can't. That won't work."

He swallows, and leans against the door while I take a step in the hallway.

"You want me ah... to go, to go with you?" He mumbles barily audible.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Will you then please call me tomorrow?"

I nod, hoping that he'll just drop it. "I'll let you know, okay?"

"Let me take you home then."

"No, Luka, please don't do that." He's breaking me more and more with every attempt just to be with me. But it would all be so wrong...

He frowns. "I can't leave you alone now."

"I'll be fine," I say quickly and burry my face in my scarf.

"So this is it?" It is. How hard it may sound, this should be it.

I can't do anything else but shrug and stare in his eyes.

He nods, but then he steps forwards and embraces me, pulling my head against him. And then I break down, feeling horrible for doing this to him. I shouldn't have told him. This hurts... this really, _really_ hurts...

"It's not that easy for me," I cry against his chest. "I mean, it's not like I don't care..."

"I know, I know that," he whispers in my hair.

"No, but I do care. I just can't do it. I really, really can't..."

"I understand, it's okay."

"I'm so sorry..."

"Do you really don't want me to be with you?"

I look up at him, my sight blurried by the tears that now stopped falling. But I don't want him to be there, I wouldn't be able to do it then. "No, I don't want you to."

He nods, understanding, hurt at the same time. "I still love you," he whispers.

I bite my lip, wondering if he expects me to say the same thing.

"Me too, I love you too," I say with a shivering, almost inaudible voice and pull back from his embrace. "But I need to go now."

"I guess..." he mumbles with a look I can't place.

I nod, swallowing away the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry...," I mumble again, and completely dismayed I make my way out of the building.

I'm just not the right person to become a mother, even with having Luka as a great father. It wouldn't work. It just wouldn't, right...?

* * *

**Thank you for reading! **

_(Preview for chapter 7: Is it the best thing to do? And what happens with their relationship now? Wait and read how this will continue... Good thing is that the first part of ch7 is written already!)_

**As I said at the A/N, I hope it was... imaginable, and that I stayed in character...**

**Please, leave a review!**


	7. We'll Make It Work

**_A/N:_**_ I got concurrence, haha. I already expected that to happen, I knew that there would be this huge burst of Luby talk fics, but I'll continue anyway. I knew about these spoilers for a long time already, and two weeks ago I decided to write them in this story.  
I'll defenitely continue this story, but I'm not sure yet if I'll continue in a sequel or in this story.  
_

_**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers:** From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!  
**Other stories:** You should check out 'The Young Troubled,' my Carby high school fic ;)!  
**Thanks go to:** Maarten, who totally agreed with this chapter, for being my beta!  
And to the amazing eleven (!) reviewers for the last chapter! You rock my world, believe me!_

Edited the datas in every chapter, rewrote some things and corrected some mistakes!  


___

* * *

_

**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 7 – We'll make it work_

**Friday, 23 December 2005 – 10:30**

I try to focus on the pile of magazines on the small table in front of me, but it's not working. The chair is cold, I'm cold, although it's probably quite warm in here.  
I rub my under arm, feeling the goosebumps but it doesn't help.  
My lips are dry and it's about the sixth time that I swallow the lump in my throat away that manages to come back every minute.  
The nervousness, the fear, the hurt, the regret that I already have... It's not about to disappear.

_'When will I see you again?' _Luka asked me yesterday evening on the phone. I didn't know.  
After that I sat on the couch 'til midnight, crying.  
Still, I'm here.  
I'm here to end this, so I can continue with the life that's finally working. And I can only try to convince myself that that isn't selfish.

"Abigail Lockhart?" A young nurse stops in front of me. "Dr. Coburn is ready for you."

I nod. Hesitating I get up and walk along the other people, following her to the room.

Thoughtless I close the door behind me and shake Coburn's hand.

"Abby, good morning."

"Good morning," I say back and sit down in front of her desk.

"You're planning on an abortion?"

Abortion... Please no. "Yes," I mumble and stare at the pen tray on her desk.

She nods. "You can have an abortion up to eight weeks, are you sure you want to do it this soon?"

A nod.

"Okay, that's okay. Have you discussed this with anyone?"

"With the father," I speak hoarsely, immediately seeing Luka's face again.

"And what are you reasons?"

I know I should say something. But I can't really say...

"I need to talk with you about this, it's hospital policy," she says and shoves her chair closer to the desk.

"I..." I evade her gaze and focus on the small pattern in the grey blue carpet. "I am not the right person to have kids. I just, I don't want to."

I do want to.

"You're sure about that?"

"I am, yes," I state and look at her for a moment. What a pokerface this is.

"Do you think you'll regret this later?" She asks and leans with her elbows on the desk.

What, is this some sort of interrogation? I just need to get this done.

"Wouldn't it be wrong if there's no regret at all?" I say.

She leans back, sighs and crosses her arms.

"Some women come in here, absolutely sure of what to do, and they leave here with relieve, not with regret. Other women come in here, and they _do_ regret this afterwards. But that doesn't mean that they're not glad that they did go through with it.  
And some women will regret this from the moment they leave her, for the rest of their life."

For the rest of my life.

"I want to go through with this."

Oh man. I glance at my watch; 10:38. I won't be able to leave here before twelve. It's already getting on me now.

"Okay. Then I guess I'll explain you the procedures."

I don't answer that. Procedure. I don't want a procedure.

"There are two ways in which we can end your pregnancy. Because you're in such an early state, I think we'd go for the medical abortion. No surgery involved. I'll give you Mifepristone pills, it will block the progesterone. Two days later, we'll insert Misoprostol, that will causes your uterus to contract and empty. It won't take longer than 24 hours, and it should feel like an early miscarriage. Cramps, nauseous, abdominal pain..., but we'll give you painkillers for that."

Empty my uterus...miscarriage, cramps... Frowning I give her a small nod.

"Otherwise we'll use suction to remove the pregnancy tissue from the uterus, we'll numb the cervix to reduce the pain, it won't be longer than ten minutes. You'll experience menstrual-like bleeding and cramping as well."

My stomach turns as she finishes and looks at me. Somehow I feel dizzy, nauseous even. I'm not able to think straight anymore. I don't want the cramping, I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose this baby. How can I...

"I know this isn't easy," Coburn says. "But you do have to make a decision."

A million thoughts flash through my mind. About back then, about now... If I make this decision, if I go through with what I'm planning, I'll never be pregnant. I'll never be a mother, then I'll lose this child. And I don't want to. It's now that I realize that I really don't want to. I want this baby. Whatever happens, I can't do this. Not now, not ever again. I want to raise my child, I want to see this. I want to see who I'm carrying, I want Luka to see that. I can't, I really can't let this just disappear.

"If you have any questions..." I hear Coburns voice, calling me back to reality.

Suddenly shivering I shake my head, swallowing and trying to block any tear from falling.

I close my eyes for a second, seeing Luka's smile, my mother, the babies I held in my career.

And then I open my eyes again and clear my throat.

"I can't."

------------------------------

Completely numb I'm walking through the empty hallway of the hospital, staring at the soft yellow of the floor that passes my feet while I keep seeing little babies, children, new moms, baby stuff...

Oh Geez. Oh man, I didn't do it.

Still overwhelmed by what I just did I make my way to the end of the hall and then I'm there. The doors shove open, letting an enormous wave of cold air rush over me.

And then I'm outside. Somehow I feel free from everything that worried me. Free from decisions, the anxious feeling that had me under control since last night.  
I breath in, enjoying the coldness that surrounds me.  
I'm out. I'm out of there.

Swallowing away the last bits of nervousness, I hesitately start to walk away from the hospital, over the square of the main entrance.  
It's now that I notice that I'm still shaky, and that maybe I'm in even in more doubt than before, because right now there's no way back. And there never will be a way back.  
It's for real now, I'll have a baby.

Still thinking of the consequenses this decision will have, I cross the busy street and then I'm on the sidewalk close to the river. I lean against the freezing banisters and cross my arms, while I stare at all the water in front of me. Jesus, I'll have a baby with Luka. Who would have ever thought? I didn't. And I still don't believe it. I really don't, but I'm pretty sure it's true. There's this little... thing inside of me. A baby. My God, a real baby.

I hear a car slow down behind me. Still with my gaze fixated at the water, I hear the car stop and a door go open. But then someone clears his throat and says my name.  
Not just someone.  
Luka.  
Immediately I turn around, my hands still on the banisters.

He just stares at me, looking scared somehow, like he's not sure how to act. Neither do I. He coughs again and leans against the car. I give him a weak smile before my eyes move to the ground.

"Are you waiting for a cab?"

I shake my head. "No," I answer as I look at him again.

He raises his eyebrows while he closes the door behind him. "Are you in pain?"

I shrug, still a little overwhelmed by his sudden appearance.

"I know you told me not to come, I'm sorry," his eyes focussed on me again, trying to get through to me.

He makes his way to me, coming to stand at the banisters a few staps away from me. His mouth is a little open, he looks afraid, insecure of what I might say. But I don't speak.

I just swallow and put my hair behind my ears when the wind blows through it again.  
He smiles carefully as he let one hand glide over the banisters to mine.

His touch and the soothing squeeze he gives me make my body move closer to him.  
Still quiet I press my head, myself against him. I feel his chin in my hair and his arms around my middle while I wrap my arms around his back and hold him tight.

"Don't be sorry, I'm glad you came," I mumble in full honesty. I really am so glad that he's here now.

He rocks me softly for a while but then he takes a small step back and looks down in my eyes. "Do you want to sit down somewhere?"

I shake my head, and realize that he still assumes that I went through with it, and that he still thinks that I'm in some sort of pain, that I'm upset. But I'm not. Not really upset.

"I'm fine," I whisper, looking up to him. "I couldn't do it," I answer his confused face. With that I let out a relieved breath, glad that it's out now.

Anxious I wait for his reaction but he just narrows his eyes and frowns a little, probably trying to figure out what I'm telling him.

"I didn't do it," I say in my normal voice now, trying to get through to him.

His hands are still resting on my upperarms, his eyes grow wide, his mouth falls a little open again. "You..._didn't_?" He raises his eyebrows. "Like..."

"Like I didn't went through with it," I say softly and smile.

He nods, carefully smiling as well now. For a moment he looks at the water, getting over the shock, figuring out what I just said, what just happened, or better said; what's still happening.

"I'm still pregnant," I say with another, now more confident smile.

"So you're still..."

I lick my lips and can't help to laugh at his doubt.

"Yeah Luka," and suddenly I'm sparkling, glowing, or whatever all the magazines say.

His smile grows wider, his eyes get bigger and fill with joy, excitement, and an amazing amount of surprise.

"So... we..." He doesn't dare to say it out loud, apparently too scared that he still might understood me wrong.

"We're having a baby," I finish for him with a nod. I'm proud. Proud at myself, at him, at us, at everything...

He bites his lip, still smiling, but then turns seriously again. "And you're sure?"

I nod again. "Yes Luka, I'm sure," and then I laugh.

Grinning he takes my left hand and plays with it a little bit. "Say something..." I chuckle and wait for his reaction.

He grins, shakes his head and then cups my face in his hand, kissing me on my lips.  
"I love you."

My first reaction is to laugh, but he says it with such an intense look that I can't. "And you made a right decision."

I nod as he presses his forehead against mine. "We'll make it work," he whispers.

"I know," I answer softly and wrap my arms around his neck. "I know..."

I really do. Because suddenly everything feels right. He's here, I'm here, and I'm still pregnant. We're having a baby. It's freaky, it really is. But God I love this... I really do.

------------------------------

After we stood there for quitte a while, Luka parked his car and we've been walking since. It's one o'clock in the afternoon now, and we're crossing the bridge. First we talked about practical things; appointments, if we should tell someone, what we should do with work, but somehow the subject changed to the other side of all this, and now Luka's talking about languages, and that he really wants to learn this kid Croatian, and that I should consider learning it as well. But I'm not really listening anymore. I really can't help it, but I've had ridiculous fluffy fantasies about us and a perfect little healthy baby for a while now, and that's probably why I'm having this smile stuck on my face.

"Ab?" Luka suddenly asks me.

"Sorry, what were you saying?" Oh God, he didn't ask something important right?

"I asked if you want my scarf," he says grinning. It's a pretty good idea actually, I really am cold. But it's a little strange that he notices that earlier than I do.

"Do I look cold?" I ask him as I drape his scarf around my neck.

"Your lips are purple and your cheeks are bright red, you look sweet," he chuckles and rubs my back. "So, what were you dreaming about?"

I shake my head with a laugh. "Nothing, nothing important."

"Good thoughts?"

I smile and press my head against his upperarm while we keep walking. "Very good thoughts."

I'm really amazed of my own behaviour, and still of the decision I made. But I truly believe that I made the right one, because I did what I really want, and not what I always told myself that was the best. And maybe that is why I feel this pretty much new feeling of some sort of happiness taking over me.

And I don't know how long it will take before I start worrying again about genes, mistakes and whatever may cross my path, but at this moment there's are none of those bad thoughts. Just the good ones, as I said.

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**Thank you for reading!**

___(Preview for chapter 8: I promised you christmas in chapter 4, so then I'll give you all christmas, soon!)_

**Nah, you weren't really thinking that I'd let Abby go through all that again right? She deserves a little happiness every once in a while right? Hope you enjoyed it and that I stayed in character most of all!  
**

**Please, leave a review!**


	8. All Is Calm, All Is Bright

_**Wow! I loved, loved, loved 'If not now' and it was kind of similar to my previous chapters! feels a little bit proud No, but very well done by Maura and Goran, and our big buddy David Zabel. Simply Amazing!**_

_**A/N:** I changed all the data in the chapters, they're now the same as the actual calendar dates. I'd love more reviews, I saw that so many people have this story on their story alert or favorite, but some of them never reviewed a chapter! Not like you have to, but I really love the reviews, and they really make me write better. So, if you feel like it... Please do!  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers:** From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!  
**Other stories:** You should check out 'The Young Troubled,' my Carby high school fic ;)!  
**Thanks go to:** Maarten, and all the people who read and review my story, especially the ones that keep coming back and keep asking for more!_

**_Edited for Abby's age and some different sentences etc. _**

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_

**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 8 – All Is Calm, All Is Bright_

**Sunday, 24 December 2005 – 19:23**

I'm standing at my kitchen table, seeking in my bag for my cell, which appears to be not there. I hurry - as good as possible on my 3 inches high heels - back to my bedroom and look under the huge pile of blouses, bras, and other clothes I was eventually planning to wear. There it is.  
I let out a deep sigh and glance at my face in the mirror. Do I look too formal? Hmm. Maybe I'd better... No.

No no no, I should get out of here. I'm already late. Geez, it's just Luka's apartment. Not some fancy dinner at a chique restaurant.

Twenty minutes later - and ten minutes too late - I step out of my car in front of Luka's apartment building. It's when I'm walking up the stairs when I feel something itch in the back of my neck. Oh great. Oh... fantastic. The price-tag is still in my blouse. And that is a very bad thing given that it's kind of see through, so the white label must be clearly visible.

Frustrated I try to pull it of with both of my hands, but then I'm not focussing on the stairs anymore and stumble at the last step, but manage to get up quickly.

Now my hand hurts.

When I'm finally in front of his door I pull my hair behind my ear and then feel that I'm only wearing one silver ear ring and that the other one is still in the pocket of my velvet pants, but before I even can put it in or ring the bell, the door opens and I'm standing in front of a worried looking Luka.

"You're alright?" He asks startled as he opens the door further.

I open my mouth but don't really say anything. "Hi," I finally mumble, a little stunned by the fact that he opened the door so all of a sudden.

"Because I heard a bang in the hallway."

I give him a difficult smile and try to hide the fact that I'm only wearing one ear ring. "Yeah, well, I'm fine."

"Okay," he smirks and looks at my hand, which still hurts and is holding my ear ring.

"What's in your hand?"  
I pout a little and then put it in my ear. "This," I say and touch the sparkling silver jewellery.

"Wow, you're really dressed up," he laughs as he places his arms on my hips and kisses me shortly.

"So are you," I answer kind of blaming as I follow him to his kitchen.

"Yeah well, christmas eve... Ah, well, sit down on the couch, I'm almost done. Want to drink something?"

"Yeah...," I say a little perplexed. Perplexed by his apartment. He told me that he had no time for a christmas tree, but hell this is a tree. A big one, standing half behind the couch. It's always dark in here, but not anymore. Christmas lights at the back of the kitchen counters and in the tree, this is... "_Nice_," I say out loud, still staring at the red and silver sparkling ornaments that cover the tree.

"What?" He asks and turns around.

"This..." I mumble and point at the tree. "Looks very beautiful."

He smiles and walks over to me, coming to stand behind me and wraps his arms around my middle. "And how are you today?"

"Really good," I chuckle and lean my head against him. "Sorry I was too late."

"Don't be," he smirks and kisses my neck. Then we hear the soft beep of the oven.

"Be right back," and then he makes his way back to the kitchen.

Amused by the view of Luka handling a hot oven I sit down on the couch. "Where are we going to eat?" I ask as I see that the table is covered with... ingredients and a cookbook.

He shrugs. "There?" He asks and points his head to me.

"You mean the _couch_?"

"What? Against your Christmas principes?"

"Not really," I smirk and take another look at the tree. It's now that I notice that there's actually a red plaid on the couch and that he has this holly ornament on his front door.

"You always do this with Christmas?" I ask as I resit on the couch so I can touch the beautiful ornaments in the tree.

"Do you?" I hear his voice from somewhere between his kitchen counters.

"No. I've had two christmas trees in my entire life," I answer with a chuckle.

"When was that?"

"With Richard once, and when I was eight Maggie suddenly came home with a one."

"Did you enjoy that?" He asks as he walks over to me with two big plates.

"Kind of, I guess."

He sits down besides me and hands me my gorgeous looking food. A lovely looking entrecote steak, with a sauce that looks like cranberries, and something potato-ish. "That looks awfully good," I say amazed and look at him.

"Yeah, well," he smirks and tastes his entrecote. "It's better than I expected."

I can't help but laugh at that and taste the food myself. And oh yes, he's right. "It's absolutely perfect," I say, still chewing and take a sip from my water. "And I'm very serious about that."

He shakes his head laughing and observes me for a second. "You're really enjoying this huh?" I joke as I see him watching me eat, with a probably very obvious contented smirk on my face. Not that I care.

"It's nice to see you happy."

"Well, I am," I smile and stop eating for a moment so I can look at him. "And you, you made a very valuable contribution to that," I say just before I take another bite of this delicious food.

------------------------------

So I said that the food was delicious, well it was. But I have to admit that maybe it wasn't a very smart thing to start with a second plate. Suddenly the lovely Croatian potato salad isn't that lovely anymore, and I don't think that I'll be able to eat any more of this. But since Luka is still completely enjoying me loving this food, it's just really rude to say that I'm stuffed. More than stuffed.

"You don't have to eat everything up," Luka suddenly laughs, taking the fork out of my hand and eating the last bite hisself.

Was it that obvious? Oh well, at least he doesn't really seem to care. "Okay," I just say as he puts the plate down on the table in front of me. I let out a deep sigh and turn my head to him. "Don't tell me you planned a enormous grand dessert," I say with another sigh and lean with my head against his shoulder.

"Well, I'm afraid that I did, but that can wait," he says soothing and caress my shoulder.

"I do want it," I say and turn my face so I can look at him a little.

"I know," he smirks and caresses my hair, but then his hand slides of my head to my neck and...

"What's this?" He asks as soon as he feels the white carton.

"Price-tag."

"Really?" He laughs and stands up to get scissors from the kitchen. "Well, nice buying," he says as he cuts it off.

"I figured that now I'm still looking normal and flat, I had to take advantage of that."

"Nicely thought," he says as he sits down on the couch again. "Have you told anyone?"

"That I'm pregnant?"

He nods. "Yeah?"

"No, no. Did you?"

He quickly shakes his head. "No no, of course not."

"You want to?"

"It's a little early for that I guess..."

"But if... everything goes the way it should... who would you tell first?"

He sighs and looks at me. "My parents I think."

"Yeah of course, but I mean, here. In Chicago?"

"The people at County."

"Hmhm..." The whole telling thing is kind of getting to me. In a few months the whole wide world will know that I'll have a baby. Not that I didn't realize that before, but how will they react? I always said that I didn't want to be a mother. And some of them know about _my _mother...

"Hey, don't worry, it will be fine," he suddenly tells me and shifts closer to me.

"I know..." I sigh and smile at him.

"You'll do great."

"I'm 37 years old, my mother is... _crazy_, and we...we're not even...It must sound weird to them. I mean, geez, _I_ even don't completely understand this."

"Listen to me Abby," he cups my face in his hands, forcing me to listen to him. I know what he's going to say. "What other people think, is really not important. _You _are not crazy, and we'll work this out. You know that right?" He raises his eyebrows and strokes my cheek.

I just give him a small nod before I lean against his shoulder, his hands slipping of my face. "My whole life is just... changing." I look up at him, he smiles, rubbing my back.

"That really freaks me out," I say, looking in his eyes, convincing him that I'm very serious about that.

"That's okay," is all he says before he kisses my forehead and let me lay against him. I close my eyes while he softly rubs my back, his head against mine, and then I drift away in a light sleep.

------------------------------

I open my eyes when I feel some tickling at my feet. I lift my head up from the couch and see Luka, pulling out my heels. "Hey..." I mumble as he puts my shoes on the ground.

"Better?"

I nod thankfully and sit up, rubbing my eyes. "How long did I sleep?"

"Only an hour. Me too, I just woke up."

"You still got that dessert...?"

"Of course. Chocolate ice cream and cherries okay with you?"

I nod smiling. "Sounds great. Sorry I fell asleep," I say as I watch Luka getting two bowls out of the refrigerator.

"No, that's okay."

"It's only 21:30..." I sigh frowning and look at Luka when he walks back to the couch.

"You had some rough days, it's no big deal."

I smile and gratefully take the little bowl in my hands. "I didn't sleep too well, at night."

"Because you're worried?"

I shrug. "I just can't sleep. There's too much going on, with us, with me. I can't seem to find any... rest."

He bites his lower lip and nods slightly. "Yeah...," he just says and stares at his ice cream.

"How are you?" I ask when I see his face.

He smiles weakly, still his eyes focussed on his bowl. "I'm going to be a parent again," he says and pricks with his spoon in the slowly melting ice cream.

"How was it like? To have kids?" I ask carefully as I put my bowl down for a moment.

He sighs and puts his bowl down as well and then looks at me. "Abby, kids are special. I can't explain how it's like to have them, or how it's like to lose them. They're yours, you know. And you are theirs. And if you lose them, it breaks your heart."

I can't do anything else but nod, as I watch him playing with the red plaid beneath us, and a silence takes over our conversation. But suddenly, a couple of minutes later, Luka clears his throat.

"You know... I really wonder if it's a boy or a girl."

I raise my eyebrows at that, surprised at his sudden change of subject. I let out a deep sigh and smile at him. "Should be one of those."

He grins and takes the two bowls off the table, in our hands again. "I like this Chirstmas," he says as he sits back again, turning his face to me.

"Yeah, me too," I say truthfully as I eat the very last cherry.

"Music?" He asks as he walks to his cd player.

"I won't sing," I warn him as he searches for a good cd.

"I know."

"Or dance," I continue as I get the bowls and put them away with the dishes.

"Not even at Christmas?" He asks me as he suddenly is standing behind me.

Soft piano music fills his dark living room and I stand there for a second, overthinking this day, this week, and the upcoming years. I feel him draping his arms around me, softly rocking me on the rythm of the music until I give in and turn around and press my head against his chest.

He feels warm and safe, and I finally let out the breath I had been holding for the past couple of days, trusting him, his words, and especially trusting us.

"Could we stay together?" I mumble pretty much inaudible against his chest.

"Of course," he whispers and I feel him smile.

"I mean, really stay together."

"I know," he mumbles and embraces me a little tighter.

"Because I don't want to be alone... anymore," I swallow and look up to him.

"You won't be."

I smile and replace my hands on his shoulders. "Merry Christmas."

* * *

**Thank you for reading!**

_(Preview for chapter 9: Abby said she doesn't want to be alone anymore, and Luka lives up to that. But what happens if they both want different things?)_

**Please, leave a review!**


	9. The Mood Swings

_**A/N:** There you go, chapter nine! Oh, and I'd love to get more feed back!  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers:** From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!  
**Other stories:** You should check out 'The Young Troubled,' my Carby high school fic ;)!  
**Thanks go to:** Maarten, and all the people who read and review my story, especially the ones that keep coming back and keep asking for more!_

_

* * *

_

**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 9 – The Mood Swings_

**Wednesday 27 December 2005 – 07:00**

"Abby, wake up. It's time to get up, you have a shift." I know. Just let me sleep a little longer.

"Is it okay if I use your shower?" Yeah, sure...

"Hey sleepyhead, you're not gonna make me pull the comforter off you are you?"

Oh crap. "Noo..." I moan and grab it with both my hands before I burry my face deep in the pillow once more. It's so nice and warm here, this is good. I'm laying in the perfect position to stay here for the rest of my life, and I don't see any proper reason to get out this little perfect spot, especially when it's pretty extraordinary these days to slowly wake up in the afterglow of a good night rest.

But clearly, cleary Luka does and suddenly I feel a rush of cold air against my feet.

"Hey! Don't!" I react in my deep sleep voice, which indicates my mood even better.

I turn on my back and look right at Luka, who's standing at the end of the bed, holding the comforter off my legs. "You're not even dressed yet," I mumble complaining as I see him standing there in his boxershorts.

"So can I use your shower?" He asks with a goofy grin as he slowly lets the comforter down on me.

"Sure, whatever," I groan as I turn back on my side, doing my very best to get my spot back. No luck.

"Thanks, and there's tea water cooking." And then he's gone in my bathroom.

------------------------------

Yawning I put a tea bag in the kettle and take it with me to the living room. I slowly open the curtains and look over the street. The snow is now really gone, but still it looks freakin' cold outside.

"You can go," I hear Luka's voice from the bed room.

"Okay," I mumble back and look at the few christmas presents I got from him. I'm wearing the pyama he gave me, dark red with little reindeers. I'd never buy such a thing myself, far too cosy. But I have to say it does look okay. I sit down on the couch and pour the tea in the mugs. It's now that I notice that is't the first time since weeks that it's actually warm in here.

"Do you want breakfast?" Luka asks me as he comes in, buttoning up his blue shirt.

"No, I'm fine."

"Oh come on, just a cracker."

I just shake my head and wrap my hands around the almost too hot mug.

"You really should, especially now."

I turn my head on my shoulder and smile at him.

"Don't play the baby card," I smirk as I get up and walk towards him.

"What?" He asks with his sweet accent and opens the cup board. "I know you have crackers here somewhere."

"Nuh-uh, I don't."

"You never _eat_?"

"There are cornflakes and there's milk in the refrigerator," I answer with a light smile as he immediately stops with his cracker search.

"You should go shower," he mumbles as he looks at me. "You look a little drowsy," he grins and quickly looks away as he sees me frowning.

"Yeah, well, maybe that it because some particular person decided to wake me up during my... _beauty sleep_," I mumble and open the door to the bed room.

"I didn't know_ that_ was a beauty sleep."

Oh, evil man. "Shut up," I grin and close the door behind me.

------------------------------

"How did you sleep?" Luka asks me when we sit down in the El.

"Good," I nod with a crooked smile. "Worry less. At night at least."

He just nods in empathy and looks at me. "Or does it depend on where you are?"

I lean with my head against the metal stave besides me. "What do you mean?"

"Where you are. At home, or in my apartment?"

I swallow, a little reluctant I sit right up again and stare out of the window.

"I don't think it has to do with that." That sounded harsh, or at least more harsh than I meant to. But I'm not ready for this. And defenitely not now.

------------------------------

During the day at work I start to feel how tired I actually am, even after such a good night rest, and I begin to realize that it may not have so much to do with actual rest, but more with the fact that I'm pregnant and that my body is going through some changes.

And with that comes that my ears are still freaking cold, although I've been inside for at least two hours.

"Hey, Abby? Can you do me a favor?"

"Depends on how big that favor will be," I answer Ray as he walks up to me and shows me his chart.

"I have a thirty two year old woman in exam 2, and she's pregnant."

I look at him for a moment, wondering if he knows about me, and then I feel my cheeks get warm. Please, don't let me blush right now. "She doesn't want to keep it?" I ask him nonchalantly as I glance over her chart.

"She's not so sure. And since you're a woman and you worked at OB, I thought you might... you know, be more helpful."

I nod, pretty much convinced that he really has no idea. But still, I'm not really in the mood for this. "Well, I'm a little busy. And tired."

"Oh c'mon Abby, it's in the patients best interest."

I sigh at that smart move but give the chart back to him anyway. "Ask Weaver."

"You're serious about that!"

Yes, I am. "Kerry is nice. She may be a bitch to you all day, but she'll be willing to do this. I'm just really not in the mood."

He raises his eyebrows and looks down the hall way where Kerry is standing. "Fine," he sighs and walks away.

I swallow and look at exam 2, seeing Ray's patient. Oh, maybe I should have said yes, but well, I don't think she's waiting on some yawning doctor who doesn't know what to say anyway.

------------------------------

Break time. I don't know how I did this, especially considering my drowsy mood, but I managed to get all my patients done. And yes, there are enough charts waiting for me there at admit, but first I need a break and coffee.

Oh no.

_No coffee. _

I can't help to let out a deep moan and throw my head back. Wonderful.

God, that coffee machine looks far too attractive. Bad for baby, bad for baby, I tell myself.  
I sit down on the couch and lean my head backwards. This is crazy, I'm far too tired.  
Seriously, at the end of this shift, I don't think I'll be able to walk home. I let out a long, comfortable yawn and sink a little further down on the couch.

"Want some of this?"

A little annoyed I open my eyes and look at Ray, who's standing at the coffee machine.

"No, thanks," I mumble and rub my eyes.

"Sure?"

Oh geez. I know it's crazy; Abby _not_ wanting coffee, but well, that's the way it is. And I can only hope that he doesn't suspect anything.

"I tried that, it's not working for me today," I finally say and manage to give him a smile.

That seemed to work. He nods and sits down at the table. "Whatever you want. Oh, Kovac is looking for you."

I nod. "Where is he?"

"He was in exam 1 a minute ago. You guys are pretty close huh?"

I raise my eyebrows at that. "Well, yeah, we're together." Hope that he will at _least _understand that we're pretty serious.

But are we that serious? _Serious_ serious? No, it has only been a month, how could we be.

------------------------------

I found Luka, in trauma 1, and I don't think he'll be out of there soon. Four more hours and I'm out of here. _We_'re out of here. He'll go home with me, or I'll go home with him, depending on.. on what? Food? Probably.

But I have to say that when I'm in my own bed, I still sleep better. No matter how good Luka is for me, my own bed does it. And I'm really not ready to give my own apartment up, or to share it with him. Why I'm not so sure.

"Hey Abby, how are you doing?"

Snapped out of my thoughts I turn around. "Oh, hi!"

"I was here anyway, so I thought, let's see how you are," Coburn smiles.

I open my mouth, and think of what to say. "Well, I'm okay, a bit tired, but, yeah, fine," I answer and rub my forehead as I let out another yawn.

She nods satisfied and glances down at her watch. "I should get going, will you call me in a few days?"

"I will, thanks."

Just when she's about to turn around the door of the trauma room and Luka walks out. "Dr. Coburn, Abby, good afternoon," he says and comes standing besides me.

I bite my lip as I see her glance, probably noticing that Luka is with me. But she doesn't say anything and steps in the elevator.

"Why did you do that?" I ask as soon as she's gone.

"What?"

"You, coming to stand almost against me when I'm talking to Coburn."

"I thought you were making an appointment."

"Well, I wasn't. And even if I was, just don't be so..."

"Be so what?"

"So with me. I can handle Coburn by myself."

"Yes, of course."

"Good." He looks hurt, and maybe I hurt him, but he just needs to understand this. Clearly he still doesn't, but he doesn't ask further so that's a good thing.

"I see you in a few hours?"

"Yeah," I nod and take a step backwards already. "Eight."

-----------------------------

We left in silence, we walked in silence, and now we're sitting on my couch in silence. I'm doing my very best to think of a way to start a conversation, but it's not really working out. Luka is nervously tapping his fingers on the couch, and it's really annoying me.

"We had a... a young man today, in that trauma,"

I blink once.

"He was only 23 years old..."

I blink again, having absolutely no idea where this is going.

He shrugs and looks up to me. "I was just trying to talk with you."

"And I'm just exhausted," I try apologizing. "And I'm taking it out on you, and I shouldn't."

He smiles and strokes my hair. "Don't worry."

"Well, the thing is, I do worry." I resit so I can face him better. "I worry a little about us. About what we both want. I think we want different things."

"What do you think I want?"

"I think you want more than I."

"I thought you said you wanted to stay together. Really stay together." His dark brown eyes look afraid, afraid if he might understood me wrong. And maybe in a way he did.

"I did, and I want to. But I. I'd also like some space Luka."

"Yes, of course."

"I don't feel like you're able to give me that."

"Well I didn't feel like you needed it."

I don't answer that and turn on the tv. I flip through some channels until I find something about birds in India.

"But did you made an appointment with Coburn?"

"Not yet."

"Maybe you should, for some prenatal vitamines."

"I will soon," I answer snappy.

"Okay," he sighs and raises his eyebrows.

"_What?_"

"Nothing. Just that you shouldn't wait too long."

"Look," I say as I turn off the tv. "I'm just not ready for that yet. I'm not ready for talks, information, echoes, heartbeats. I need time. To... accept it." With that I get up and walk over to the kitchen table.

"And you seem so easy about it, like we've been planning this, like we've been together for years, but we're not. We just started off something. And I'm not ready to move in with you, or share keys or..." I stop to get my breathing under control.

"Nobody said anything about moving in," he says calmy as he gets up and walks towards me. "That's not what I meant."

"Good..." I mumble, feeling a bit guilty for judging him like that. I close my eyes and lean against his chest as he places his hands on the small of my back.

"I did thought about giving you my key, but I only want yours if you're ready for that," he whispers and kisses my head. "Really."

I swallow hard and look up to him. "Could you please... go now?" I pull back and wait for him to answer. But he doesn't. He just turns around to get his coat and then opens the door of my apartment.

"I'll be there if you need me," is the last thing he says and then he's gone.

Dumbfounded by what just happened I sit down on a kitchen chair as I hear him open the front door. I close my eyes as I hear it shut. Silence.

I burry my face in my hands and try to think straight. I wanted him to get out of here, I wanted space. Space for myself. But it's now that I realize how empty it is in here without him. He was going a little fast this morning, with the whole key thing, but he did say that he wants to wait until I want that. So what is my problem?

To trust him. And I want to trust him so badly, but there's one thing that keeps nagging me. One question, one thing. If I would have had the abortion, would he have offered me that key as well?

Suddenly I stand up, feeling the enormous urge to find out, to ask him. I need to know for who that key was meant. I walk as quickly as possible out of my apartment and drape my scarf around my neck as I start to run over the streets, thinking of where he possibly could have gone.

Automatically I follow the way to the El platform, and just when I want to run up the stairs, I see him at the top, just taking the last step to the actual platform.

"Luka!" I shout and try to make my way through all the people.

And there he's standing.

Immediately he turns around, his face halfly hidden behind his scarf, his dark eyes staring at me. "Luka..." I say again, slightly out of breath.

He just stares at me and takes a step to the side were no people are standing. Are that tears on his face or is it just the cold?

"I just," I swallow and try to get my breathing under control before I push the question over my lips. "I just need to know," I sniff from the cold and look down for a moment until I finally have enough courage to say what I need to say.

"What if there wasn't this baby, would you still want to be with me?"

There, I said it.

It's now that I really realize how cold it is and cross my arms against my chest, as I narrow my eyes to find out what he's thinking. But he isn't looking at me, but at the sky behind me. I feel like we're in some sort of slow motion as he slowly turns his eyes back to me. He licks his lips.

I blink against the soft snow flakes that just began to fall but keep my gaze focussed on him.

And then he opens his mouth, and I hear the words one by one rolling over his lips.

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**Thank you for reading!**

_(Preview for chapter 10: Well, Luka's answer of course. And that answer will change everything. Or at least, a lot.) _

**Please, leave a review!**


	10. My Golden Rule

**A/N:** It took me quitte a while to get this one done, and I hope the result was worth the time for me, and for you guys to read. More A/N at the end. _(sorry for updating this again, last time you couldn't see the last chapter at once :S)_  
**Disclaimer:** Well, I don't own the characters. Just like everyone else.  
**Summary:** A season 12 story from Abby's point of view. About lost loves and lost friends. Important parts for Carter and from now on Luka. What will life bring?  
**Warning:** English isn't my native language, but I do the best I can. (Feel free to tell me if I keep spelling a word wrong or use terrible grammar!)  
**Spoilers:** From now on I'll be using spoilers that go up to 12x15!  
**Other stories:** I'm working on Ch6 for 'The Young Troubled.'  
**Thanks go to:** All my readers, who I absolutely love for encouraging me and everything! And I have to thank Maarten once more, who read every chapter of this story before I posted, and came up with some chapter titles and other crucial ideas.

_(The cursive text in the beginning is the ending of chapter 9)_

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**My Golden Rule**

_Chapter 10 – My Golden Rule_

**Wednesday 27 December 2005 – 21:40**

"_What if there wasn't this baby, would you still want to be with me?"_

_There, I said it._

_It's now that I really realize how cold it is and I cross my arms against my chest, as I narrow my eyes to find out what he's thinking. But he isn't looking at me, but at the sky behind me. I feel like we're in some sort of slow motion as he slowly turns his eyes back to me. He licks his lips._

_I blink against the soft snow flakes that just began to fall but keep my gaze focussed on him._

_And then he opens his mouth, and I hear the words one by one rolling over his lips._

"I told you that I love you."

Breathless.

"I didn't think you'd doubt that."

Immediately I'm full of regret. I don't know how to respond. I want to take this away, I want to remove the last ten minutes. Hell, the last two hours. I didn't want this. I know he loves me, God Abby, you knew that already.

"I'm sorry," I mumble.

I feel my chest getting tight, and I anxiously wait for him to say anything... _anything_... but he doesn't, and why should he. I hurt him, and God, I wish I didn't.

We're standing there, facing each other. He's avoiding any eye contact, so am I. We're just staring at each others faces, but no one speaks a word. Suddenly the El thunders in, and brutely interfears with our silent non communication.

People step out, walk between us, behind us, but we still stand there. I try to find out what he's going to do, if he'll move or not. He does.

Still silent, he turns around to the El, and steps in with bent head.

Gone.

------------------------------

I walked back home, not yet realizing what had just taken place. I walked straight home, my face surrounded by the freezing wind, my arms wrapped tight around my waist. I didn't even really doubt it. I knew the answer, there had been no need to ask. Still I did, and I can't justify.

Wishing I could just turn this all back, I turn off the lights and slide under the comforter.

I know there's nothing I can do right now. I'll just have to wait until tomorrow will start and I can try to fix this.

Enormous amounts of guilt wave over me as I keep seeing Luka's somber face every time I close my eyes. Turning on my side doesn't make me feel more comfortable, I just can't seem to find the rest. Simply because I can't think of something else. Someone else.

I can't lose him, I don't want to. And I don't think I did but...I don't want this to be over. I don't want him to think... that I don't love him. That I needed his love before I could love him back, because that is not true. Although I acted like it was.

Heedless my hand comes to rest on my belly, and it stays there until I finally pass out in some sort of sleep.

**Thursday 28 December 2005 – 07:55**

Since I woke up at six I figured I'd better get up and be early instead of trying to catch some more sleep and wake up three hours late. So I took a shower, ate to my own surprise two bowls of cornflakes and ended up in the El, where the events of last night started nagging again.

When I step out I think I've played every possible scenario of how it will go between Luka and me in my mind, and I still don't know what I'll say, or, far more important, what _he_'ll say.  
What if we end up doing a trauma together, what if we meet each other in the lounge, what if...

My head is full of 'maybe's' and 'what if's' and I can't seem to get rid of them during the short walk to the hospital. I don't have to try hard, 'cause when I walk over the ambulance bay I see the leading role of my scenarios standing there in front of the entrance, and I realize that all the what if's are being replaced by a confrontating 'what now.'

Luka is standing there, probably waiting for an ambulance, his hands deeply burried in the pockets of his black coat, and his grey scarf covering his mouth and nose. I observe him for a while, but then his eyes suddenly meet mine and abruptly I'm forced to undertake action.

I come closer and stop a few steps in front of him. "Hey."

"Hey, good morning." He sounds less harsh than he looked at a me a minute ago.

"Waiting for an ambulance?" I ask as I come standing besides him.

"Should be here soon."

"What's the ETA?"

"Ten minutes."

I nod and begin to stare at the ground, cracking my mind to find the best way to continue this conversation.

"Ten minutes from now or...?"

"I've been standing here for a while now."

I nod. Okay. Let's do this right.

"I was wrong last night. Really very wrong. I don't know exactly why I asked you..._that_. Then, in that way."

I know that he's listening, but he's still vacantly staring away from me.

"I'm sorry..."

At that he turns his face towards me and shrugs. "I need you to trust me."

"I do. I do trust you."

"You didn't last night."

"No, that's not true. I was confused. You... you seemed so easy about all... this. And I'm not. Not yet." Oh crap, I really don't want this conversation to be about me right now.

"That's okay."

"No, Luka..." I try, but then the ambulance comes in, paramedics jump out and pull out the gurney. I hear BP's, LOC's, and see Luka running along with them, into the ER.

I'm still outside.

------------------------------

It's about five hours later and I've been hanging around him continiously. Same rooms, same trauma, even same elevator trip up to surgery. Not that he noticed. Or maybe he did, but he just didn't answer my hopeless attempts to spend some time alone with him. Because I really, desperately, want and need to apologize for my behaviour.

And now I really don't know anymore. Seriously, I've been tossing out hints all the time today, but absolutely no reaction from him. I wonder if he's trying to give me the space I asked for last night, but I don't need space. Clearly I never did, taken that I missed him as soon as he stepped in that El, but he doesn't know that yet.

I don't know what he's thinking, even though I'm doing my very best to figure that out. Most of the time those greenish eyes tell me more than enough, but not today.

So now I'm checking my ten year old patient's IV for the third time in a row - which is truly unneccesarily - just so I can watch Luka stitching up the elderly woman in front of him. But he doesn't look back to me, although he must feel, if not see, me staring.

I have a little chit chat with my patient but cut it off rather quickly when Luka gets up and walks to the drug lock-up.

I follow him and pretty much block his way out. "We need to talk," I blurt out.

"Oh, hi," he says and smiles politely.

"Look, Luka, I understand that you're angry, but this is really stupid."

"I'm not angry."

"We still need to talk."

He sighs and closes the drawer he was searching in. "I'm really not angry."

"But you _are_ ignoring me," I answer and step in the small room as well now.

"I didn't mean to. I tried to give you some time alone. Without me."

"That's... sweet, but I..." Geez, he looks sad. So sad that I can't even get my own words straight. "I don't... I didn't need the space I was asking you for. I thought I did, but I don't. As soon as you stepped in the El, or actually as soon as I popped that stupid question, I realized that I didn't doubt it, and that I didn't need time alone. I mean, God, I didn't sleep all night. Only thing I could think about was, you know...you."

Wow, that was corny. But true. I feel my cheeks getting warm and I quickly look down and start to play with my hands. We stand there for a while, but soon enough I decide to leave it at this and give him some time.

"I just wanted you to know that." I step backwards and just when I'm about to turn around he speaks.

"You just really scared me last night."

I close my eyes for a moment and then turn around. "I know. I'm sorry...," I tell him, completely floored by that sweet, still somewhere sad, look in his eyes.

"I really am sorry," I say again and take a step back to him. "I know that there's not really a way to make it better, but...," I sigh. "I really, really wish I could." I shrug and narrow my eyes as he comes closer to me.

He places his hands on my shoulders, and presses his lips on my forehead. I let out a deep breath I didn't know I was holding and close my eyes. He strokes my hair and pulls back a little.

"Let's get in that empty exam room over there."

"What?"

"I want to say something to you."

That doesn't sound good. Awaitingly I follow him into the room and switch the lights on.

"Do I need to be worried?" I ask as I lean against one of the beds.

He shakes his head and comes standing in front of me. "Just need to listen."

He sighs somewhat nervous and takes my right hand in his.

"Abby... you really mean a lot to me. I know you worry. About what's going to happen in the future, about every thing that might go wrong, but don't... don't worry about me. Don't worry about losing me. I won't do that. I won't disappear on you. I know how hard it was for you to actually decide to have this pregnancy, to start this together. I want you to know that... you can let me in. I won't leave you in the cold."

A silence falls and he's staring in my eyes, in me. He has no idea what he's doing to me right now. I want to hug him, to feel him, but it's only our hands that keep us connected for now. That and our eyes. I know he's trying to figure out what I'm thinking, but he has no idea. I think that there is a tear in the corner of my left eye, but I'm not really crying, and I'm not going to. I'm just... touched.

"Are you okay..?" He asks a little worried as he apparently notices my moisty eyes.

"I'm fine," I say quickly. "I'm sorry." I rub my cheek dry and shrug. "Little overwhelming."

"But true."

"I know it's true," I say with a smile. "I know."

"Okay," he answers relieved and places his hands on my hips. "I'm glad."

"Well, me too," I laugh and drape my arms around his shoulders. He smiles and embraces me, kissing the top of my head and whispering something I really do not understand. I decide to leave it and press myself closer against his chest, just enjoying the moment, thinking about what we just told each other.

"Ab?"

Oh, maybe I should have listened. I pull away and look up to him, my chin still resting on his chest.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"Dinner, if you feel something for dinner in town?"

I open my mouth to say something but instead of that a big yawn escapes. Oops.  
Guess all the stress of this morning kinda pushed the fatigue away, but it's defenitely back.

I sigh and press my face against him once more. "Yeah, I'd like that..." I mumble yawning against his shirt. "As long as I'm still awake by then."

"Well, that's not a bad restriction," he chuckles and pulls away from me so I'm forced to stand on my own again.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"Five o'clock."

"That's coffee time."

"Not anymore."

"Yeah... that just sucks."

------------------------------

Haleh, Chuny, Clemente and Pratt are all standing at admit as we close the door of the room behind us. They're defenitely staring at us, and why shouldn't they since we came out of an empty room together, but I don't really care as they begin to whisper and point at us as he kisses me shortly and tells me that he'll see mee at admit around eight.

"And the sky was blue again," Clemente says far too overdone as I walk over to the board to clear two of my patients.

I decide not to answer that one and just show them my back as I pull the board down. So apparently they noticed that something was going on between the two of us, but if they leave it at that, I'll be fine. If Only. 'Cause when I turn around I see four pair of eyes staring at me with smiles I can't really place.

"What?" I say letting out a sharp laugh. It _is_ ridiculous; the way they're staring at me.

"Oh Abby, you really can't deny it, can you?" Haleh smiles and takes my hand, what kinda freaks me out. Deny what? I'm not denying anything, I'm just answering Clemente's weird statement. Quickly I glance at Luka, who apparently is safe there with his patient since I'm the one who gets stuck with the biggest gossip queens of this entire hospital.

Haleh squeezes my hand softly and gives me a smile which probably is meant to be meaningful but really, I don't get it at all. Somewhere I do of course; I probably know what they're thinking, but they can't, cause they can't know.

I decide to ignore the kiss sound that Pratt makes and turn my back to them so I can pick out some new charts. But when I turn back they're still standing there. And now Pratt is smiling a far too bright smile. "Jesus, this is ridiculous, what's wrong with you people? Shouldn't you all be working? I mean, there's enough to do," I blurt out and point at the waiting area which is pretty much overloaded.

"We just got a call," Haleh says a little nagging and pats the phone...

"Oh, really?" I ask, desperately trying to act normal. Don't tell me that this..

"From the sixth floor."

Oh crap. I quickly glance at my belly. I'm not showing yet. Of course not. See, they can't know.

"Coburn asked for you," Chuny almost squeeks and bites her lip from probably excitement.

Immediately my cheeks flush red. Although they might not believe it, my mouth really falls open from honest surprise. She wasn't supposed to call me, especially not here. I was supposed to call _her. _Sometime.

"But well... she said it could wait," Haleh says and gives me another mischievous smile just before she turns around and walks back to her patients.

"We just thought you might wanna know," Pratt says grinning and pats my shoulder before he walks away as well.

Clemente is still looking at me. Well, more observing my stomach. Just when I'm about to tell him some made up story about needing Coburn for a consult, he catches up with Pratt and I can swear I hear "No man, I was right. I didn't see anything."

------------------------------

I'm standing in the ladies room – for the sixth time today – and look at myself in the mirror. So, now I could or convince them that I am not pregnant, and that really nothing is going on, or I could just shut my mouth and ignore the rest of their attempts.

Unfortunately tactic one isn't a real option; since it doesn't make sense to deny this. We better should keep this quiet until everything is more certain. That on it's self scares the crap out of me; it can still all go wrong.

I let out a long, shameless yawn and stretch out all my muscles before I walk back in the ER. I do see the patients, and the over crowded board, but I really need to eat something first. It was a smart move not to go in the lounge around my standard five o'clock coffee boost, 'cause right now my body isn't so eager for caffeine. Less at least.

Unfortunately, the whole caffeine craving starts all over again as I open the door of the lounge and smell the delicious aroma of fresh made... coffee.

I know one cup won't do any bad, but I'd better not do it at all to get used to it. My eyes follow the trace my nose found and I end up staring at Ray, who's practically laying on the couch with the coffee I smelled before.

"Hi. Is there anything eatable in this thing?" I ask him and walk over to the refrigerator.

"In fact, yes there is," he smirks and gets up to peek in the fridge as well. "Wanna share?" He asks and holds up a brown bag in which appear to be two sandwiches as we sit down at the table.

"Sure."

"Chicken or cheese?"

I shrug and he hands me the cheese one. "What was that all about at admit?"

"Oh, they were joking about me."

"Why?" He asks with his mouth full.

"I have absolutely no idea."

"_Really_?" He gives me searchful glance.

No, of course not really. Why is everyone playing those silly games with me? I'll tell them. Someday. I just shrug as an answer and eat the last bit of my bread.

"You really have no idea?"

"Nope."

He laughs a little, and fortunately stops asking questions and we eat the rest of our sandwiches in silence, until Chuny pops her head around the door.

"Guys, there's a GSW on the way, ETA 5 minutes!"

"We'll be right there," Ray answers.

We walk together outside and wait in front of the entrance doors. Same place I was standing this morning , but then the feeling was completely different, not to mention the situation. I smile at the thought that we're okay again, and look at Ray. He's observing me. Not staring at my stomach as Clemente was doing, but defenitely observing; looking for something he clearly can't find. I look at him, and get his attention. He stares back in my eyes, and I cock my brow. "You're staring."

"Sorry," he answers and abruptly looks up to the air.

I sigh softly and decide to look up to the sky as well. We must look pretty ridiculous, both with our heads tilted backwards, letting the icy wind blow against our cheeks, but well, the sky is nice to look at, all blue and clear.

"Why were you staring?" I ask, still looking up. I don't exactly know why I ask this. He assumes I'm pregnant, just like the rest of the staff, and this question will probably confirm that. Maybe I just need someone besides Luka to know it, to whom I can behave normally, without the need to hide any symptomps. Then again, this is Ray...  
But well, question has been queried.

He shrugs and then looks down from the sky. "I dunno. You look different."

"Oh."

"You behave different too."

I turn my face to his. "I know," I say.

"Seems you have certain... symptomps. You don't drink any coffee, you've been yawning since last week continously, you leave the charts of pregnant woman in the standard, you've been hanging around Coburn more often, and further you and Luka have defenitely been going through some so called mood swings... _And_, you've been stealing Oreo's."

"I didn't steal cookies." I honestly didn't.

"Oh. But the rest is true huh?"

"I guess."

"So then you can admit that...you're pregnant?"

I blush at that; being probably a little embarassed by the fact that the secret is out. "Yes, in fact I am."

He smiles and shakes his head. "I knew it all the time."

"That's crazy," I laugh and look at him.

"After that coffee thing. It was just weird. Abby being tired not wanting coffee... It's an easy calculation. It's the rest of the staff who didn't believe me. Especially Clemente."

"So you told them?"

"Told them I _assumed_, yes."

"But don't tell them that I told you."

"My mouth is locked. Really, you can trust me on that one." He does sounds honest, honest enough to trust. Ha, never thought that it would be Ray who was the first one to know about this.

I smile grateful and pull my hair behind my ear. "Thanks."

"Sure thing mom," he grins as the ambulance comes in.

That sounded weird, but I do like it. A little weird since it's coming from Ray's mouth, but fun in a way.

The young guy is being rolled out on the gurney and together with the paramedics we run in trauma 1. We ask his name, call for Xray, and as I begin to examine his wounds, Ray walks behind me and mumbles a 'congrats' in my ear.

------------------------------

I'm standing in front of my locker, draping my scarf around my neck as Luka walks in.

"Hey, you're still awake," he grins and walks over to me.

"So far so good," I say as I put on my coat and gloves. "Where are we going?"

"I was thinking of that Italian place, close to the parking garage."

"Ah, _El Mario_," I say with my best Italian accent as I wrap my arms around him and give him a short kiss.

He chuckles and opens his own locker. I look at him as he puts off his stethescope and gets his coat. I smile at that sight, at the sight of him with that small goofy, happy look on his face everytime he looks at me. The father of my kid to be... The person I can talk to, who understands me, and maybe more important; who I understand.

I'm snapped out of my thoughts as he shuts his locker and grabs my hand.

"Let's get out of here."

We walk along admit, through the waiting area, and finally through the entrance doors, with our hands still intertwined. I know Haleh is watching, I know Clemente is, I know the whole hospital and all those patients are. And I don't care.  
I don't care anymore, what people think about me. I care about Luka, about this little thing inside of me what in nine months will be my son or daughter, and I'm not scared anymore. Less scared at least. I did what I wanted, not what I thought that I should. I showed Luka, and everyone else that I'm really in love with him, that I fully trust him. I realize that it makes me so much more vulnerable, especially now I'll be, in fact already am, a mother. But it's all so worth it.

"Abby, you're squeezing my hand a little tight," the person I've been thinking about all day says to me with a painful glance on his face as we walk over the street.

"Oh, I'm sorry..." I grin and weaken my grip, but still hold on to him and lean my head against his upper arm.

"It's okay. In nine months I'll learn how hard you can really squeeze," he smirks.

"Or curse."

"Or scream that you hate me for doing this to you."

Chuckling I pat his arm. "That's _so_ corny."

He grins and lets my hand go so he can wrap his arm around the small of my back. "I like corny."

"I know," I say and with that we walk in the nice Italian, and most of all warm atmosphere of 'El Mario,' where we stay 'til midnight, enjoying the delicious lasagna and the even better dessert.

It's hard to imagine that a month ago I decided to stay alone for the rest of my life, to protect myself for any new disappointment. But I abandoned that idea, and decided to take hold of what life brings me, and deal with the problems that come with that sometimes. That is, I realize, my new rule.

A golden rule.

_- The End -_

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**Thank you for reading!**

_This was it. But I'll be back with a sequel, starting as soon as I'll come up with a title for that one. It will start off probably a month after this, and end a couple of months after the baby is born. That's the idea for now at least._

_Again, thanks to everyone. I'm proud of all of you who managed to get through another 4500 words. Really, respect from my side._

**Please, leave me your last review for this story...!**


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